Back in black...

Ok. That was a bad day. And it ended. Good riddance.

I'm feeling more... emotionally balanced? normal?... now, thank god. Can you imagine if I had to stay down there for more than a day here and there? Oh wait, been there, done that. Eryn's right, I am improving. Only not in the procrastination arena. Still doing that. I started reading Goodnight Desdemona again today. I highly doubt there is a part there for me, but that's cool. I'm starting to look ahead and I'm trying to figure out what I need to get back into university, and what do I want to specialize in? Fuck if I know. Maybe scenery.

I'm going to be getting myself to see shows at UVic and UBC this year. You know, compare them. See if UVic has any pull on me. Who knows. And the One-Acts. I want to direct one and I want to do some lighting or something for another.

Next week four days of shifts. After that, I'm down to one! And good timing for it, too. I'm about at the point where my mind is like, "Crap, I didn't do that. Shit, I have to do that work too. Oh yeah, I haven't eaten properly in days and days. I should probably do that laundry that's been piled there for two weeks. Fuck exercise, I'm lazy."

The art of performance is something that fascinates me. It's so easy to tell who is a natural performer, who has the knack, who's really in the moment. And then life is one big performance. I always wonder what is genuine. And then I wonder why I can't do it the majority of the time. I have a giant wall preventing most of my performing from happening. That bugs me. At this point, my walls are doing the opposite of what they were created for. They aren't supposed to make me hurt more, dammit! And so hard to remove...

I buried myself alive on the inside so I could shut you out

Today, today I am frustrated. I'm hoping it won't last all day. I'm frustrated with myself for several reasons:
-I lack motivation to exercise and yet I feel icky and displeased with my body.
-I'm fucking lonely, and have never been able to fully shake it. I hate that I've been repeating myself for like six years. I don't understand why I can't have a match for once? I'm still angry and bitter. And I don't think I had any faith in men to begin with, so how can I have it now?
-I keep wasting time instead of doing laundry or cleaning the bathroom
-I've let myself be treated like a strange nothing for three years and I'm dreading having to slam against the brick wall and I wish I could just let it go already and not fall into the same trap

But most of all, I'm just angry. Perpetually angry and hurting. Immensely angry that I don't have any of the support and love that I have needed since forever from someone not female. I'm sick of crying over this. I'm sick of having break downs when I get drunk, when the alcohol dissolves my careful emotional boundaries. I'm sick of hearing the mean things said by my most recent disappointing father-figure over the years. I'm so tired of being broken and crying one day, then having good days, then having the whole thing come back and hurt me again. I hate that I didn't fight back earlier. I hate that my mother didn't listen to the goddamn signs that were glaring her in the face all that time. I hate that any boy I've picked has been nothing that I needed. I hate that my sex drive has gotten me to let myself be only partially satisfied, always keeping my emotions in a separate box. I'm pretty fucking good at categorizing like that now.

If you're gone, baby you need to come home...

I'm alone all day today. Anyone want to hang out? My mum decided last night that she had to go to the Vancouver Art Gallery before the Monet exhibit left. Which is good, because she has wanted to see it this whole time, but she didn't actually PLAN it and so I work tonight and it would be pointless for me to go just to spend less than three hours in downtown Vancouver. Sooooo I guess I'm spending the day with Marlowe. And also, I may have lost the ability to sleep in. I'm hoping this is just a temporary setback.

In other news, I miss my South Park. I want it back, Frazer-who-doesn't-read-this. I suppose that means I have to nag about it? Maybe I'll go and get another season today. Which reminds me that Jysk has the baker's rack I want on sale this week! I should get that today too. Splurge a little. Yesss. Yeah, so I'm really bored at present. Gonna watch some crappy weekend morning television.

I Don't Like Mondays

From the looks of today, I shall make Wednesdays my day of cleaning/homework/hanging out at home alone. It would be more enjoyable if I didn't have to work at 4, but I can make it through September. The stars have been more noticeably beautiful the last few nights, I think. Maybe I've just been looking up more? I'm a bit behind already, I think. I'm not back to the school mindset yet, and I don't think I have ever been fully into it. Stuff to do, stuff to do. I need to start saying "sleep before fun" because I find myself drifting off or spacing out in class. Sitting is boring.

Also, I HATE SLOW DRIVERS. Fuck you if you're going 40km/h along Hammond Bay. Seriously. I'd like to get home before the next ice age.

So let go, jump in. Oh, it's so amazing here.

Hmmmm. The past two days, I've been feeling very content. Happy, even. I'm not sure why, but I'm going with it. Whisking by all that scenery sure was neat. It made me feel both small and insignificant, and full of awe for this lovely province we live in. Mountains are spectacular. And so much of it is unpopulated!

So, school tomorrow. I'm a bit reluctant to get back to the schedule of classes, but I have to remind myself that I have a really slack schedule. I get all Fridays off, for both semesters. Mondays I have a night class (creative writing), and Wednesdays only Theatre History. And my other elective is an online biology, so that's cool.

And of course, I'm excited to get back to everyone that I haven't seen during the summer! This year has epic written all over it, really. I'm becoming more and more "me" and less of the wall I needed for survival for so long. And I'm super excited that more of us have cars. Being one of the only drivers is very annoying sometimes. I don't mind driving people and picking people up, but when it's only me doing it, it gets rather old. It would be nice to have ONE drink out now and then.

I have very loosely decided what I want to do with my life. Basically, I want to promote and emanate truth. That sounds weird and abstract, and it is. I need a job that is varied and has some substance. I'm choosing theatre for now because it fits, for the most part. And it's social, which is something I desperately need to keep myself balanced. But I don't know if I'll stay with it for the rest of my life. I just don't know. I'm also finding myself interested in mechanics, which is strange. I'd like to take a car mechanics course or something soon. I like to know what is going on, and I don't like feeling helpless when it comes to noises coming from my car's engine. And there's something satisfying in making things run smoothly, and in being dirty from your hard work. I see fixing things as a form of creating more truth. And music. I miss band. I let myself go for too long without playing music, which is silly of me. It seems that I've always got something that my mind is singing. (Especially when I'm high. I should start writing down each song that pops into my head when I'm stoned. It seems to happen every time, and the song puts a tone on the whole experience.)

Well, it would've been, could've been, worse that you would ever know

I watched a lot of tv today. First, I watched Serenity. And that made me cry, because nice characters died. And some almost died. And it was all very suspenseful and exciting.

And then I watched Match Point. Holy mind-fuck, Woody Allen. It totally went in a different direction than I expected, and even though after an hour I felt like it had been three, it was still an excellent movie.

And then I watched some stupid tv. Like The Fabulous Lives of Celebrity Wives, which is about outrageously weathly, mostly useless people. But it got me thinking about their real lives. Like, do they actually work out their problems, or do they just throw money at them and pretend everything is fine? Shaquille O'Neill spent $100 000 on his wife's Mother's Day celebration a few years ago. Does this mean that they're happy together and have a real connection, or is their marriage just a show? And then the divorces! All of the money spent on ex-spouses! It's incredible. What fascinates me is the beginning of relationships, as compared to the end. All of the lovey-dovey affection and gifts, all the promises that aren't kept up. Marriage is so much bigger than we make it out to be. Fuck, it's huge! We change so much over the course of our lives, and we can be so blind to others that I can't understand why we think we can just stick with one person and have them be it. In theory, it's possible. But I think there should be a major test given before marriage. And not just any test, a tricky, disguised test to see how committed each person really is. How do you know that your love can last unless you've gone through a wave of crap, come out the other end, and had a shower together?

Damn, now I'm just thinking about sex. Focus lost.

First I'm perfect, then I'm lazy....

I realized a couple days ago that I really like cutting things up. I don't mean that I want to disect animals or chop meat. I just enjoy chopping vegetables. I don't really know why. But I was chopping up a bunch of zucchini at work the other day, and I started composing a semi-erotic (obviously humourous) story about chopping zucchini. In all honesty, I hate zucchini. I hate the texture of it, and how it masquerades as cucumber, when cucumber is obviously the better of the two. But chopping zucchini, that's another story. It's just so satisfyingly spongey as the knife slides through it. And you don't have to peel it because the skin is so delicate. I like chopping celery for the crispness of it. And potatoes for the firmness. And onions for the way you can cut along their groovy surface. Hardboiled eggs are pretty fun, too. I'm not a fan of chopping garlic, though. I'd rather put it through a garlic press and not have the garlic smell linger underneath my fingernails for days. Anyways, I think that's all for today. I have some more profound stuff to write about, but I don't feel like formulating it all into sentences at the moment.