I say, Who am I to blow against the wind?

I think, "I'm in a good mood." Yet I'm still doubting myself. I realize my confidence is shot, or maybe it always has been. There has never been a time when I felt that I was the first choice. Ok, maybe once, for about four days. But that ended without even the lamest explanation, and left me more confused and lacking confidence than before. And when I get overly anxious, I find myself thinking the same way about my friends. "Am I hanging around too much? I should just go home tonight." I realize I am anxious to know if I am invited. I don't want to intrude. I don't want to be a burden. Sometimes I'm overly sensitive, but I think I hide it well. Then I wonder if weed is making me think this way. I wonder if it is more of a possibility than I think. Perhaps some day my mind will fracture and I won't even know. Fuck, I should cut down.

Last night my friend Harry called me. He mentioned that Sicalia had told him to tell me to call her sometime so we could talk. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! AS IF. I am not so desperate that I would give her my friendship AGAIN after the second of two colossal ruptures in the relationship. It's really hilarious to think that she would think I wanted to patch things up, after she initiated all the problems both times. LEARN, PEOPLE. If you fuck up something you think is worthwhile, man up, grow a pair (ovaries or balls, doesn't matter) AND APOLOGIZE. Don't expect the person you screwed to come back to you and beg for your attention. I did that once, and got screwed worse later on. I've learned that lesson; I've gained some self-respect. If someone isn't willing to work for you, they won't care to keep you. And if someone is making you miserable, get the hell away from him/her.

I wonder why I can't seem to find someone who would choose me. I wonder why I can't seem to find someone that I could make happy, and vice versa. I'm nattering on again, I know. It's whiny. But you know what? Waiting is difficult, and it's nearly impossible when you are feeling your patience worn away and you have no idea how long you need to wait. I always feel more comfortable when I am in a waiting room and I know what time it is. Figuring that it's only another 20 minutes or whatever makes the wait bearable. Not knowing if you have to be there for another two hours or not makes it nearly impossible to not lose your composure. I think I'm losing my composure. I'm sure I'll get it back, but this time is lasting a few days and I am antsy. Since I'm waiting, I want my composure back, goddammit. Sooner than later, please.

I don't want to be a soldier...

Right now I am bored. Right now I feel passionless and lackluster. I should stop dwelling on feeling lonely, but fuck it, I am. It doesn't come to mind every day, but it's often enough. Too often. I could live the rest of my life in this loneliness, and it wouldn't be so bad. I'd be self-sufficient and independent. I'd have a cat or a dog, or both. I'd find myself a good job. I'd have friends and a few family members that I'm close to. I'd have a car and a home. I'd travel. I'd have good clothes, good food, good drinks. I'd work through problems. I have most of these things right now, and they're great. Independence and spontaneity and good friends and fun!

So why do I feel that I'm missing out? I never get to be special, affectionate, cuddly Tasia. She only comes out when I feel super safe around someone, and that has never happened for more than a couple hours at a time. I miss her. I miss feeling total adoration. I miss getting really drunk and feeling an irresistible urge to contact and connect with one particular person. I miss having crushes, I guess. But now I want more than that, or to start with that and actually go somewhere with it. I miss feeling sparks just from being in the same room as someone special. I miss him, but I think I miss the feelings I had for him more than I miss the actual person.

I love many things in my life. I feel that I'm lacking passion these days, though. Being very close to the UVic application deadline just reminds me that I'm not totally committed to the theatre in my life either. There are so many things I want to learn about, like history and political science and media studies and languages. This confuses me when I consider whether or not I really want to go into theatre. I think I do. There are some instances when I feel that I'm absolutely in the right field. So I'm going to continue, of course. I just wish I were more certain. And nights like this, I wish I had some romance to spark up my life. Simple things, caring things, cute little things. A flower now and then, maybe. Or just being held. Having someone special in my bed. Tonight I want that. Tonight I'm missing that. Tonight I want more food for my soul. Tonight I wish that part of me wasn't dormant.

I've reason to believe we all will be received in Graceland.

I think...
-if i could keep myself away from depressive days, i'd feel much more secure about being happy
-life is needlessly complicated most of the time
-i'd like to be able to point out the differences i've made in the world by the time i die
-i love learning, but i don't fully agree with the way formal education works
-i should make more effort to eat breakfast
-i'm excited for the gabriola shin-dig
-i'm finding much geeky enjoyment learning different knitting patterns

-there are so many of us that deserve to be loved and adored, and i wonder why that isn't happening.
-i miss wanting and adoring someone in the way that made my heart feel passionate and desperate and special.
-i'd rather have security than desperation and insecurity in love.
-i want to be appreciated and adored for being me. i want my "lover" side to be less on the back burner; i want it to be integrated with the rest of my life. on days like this, i almost have the confidence to feel that i deserve that without a doubt, and from one person.
-i want to be married. i don't want to get married, i want to BE. i don't much care about the wedding aspect of it. this desire probably springs from craving stability, roots in the earth. i realize this won't happen for quite a while, if at all.
-i wish we could choose who we felt passionate love for. i'd make better choices.

The bells of hell go ting-a-ling-a-ling for you but not for me...

I'm feeling crazy-stressed today so I figure I'll do a checklist to help me calm down:

DONE resume for stagecraft
DONE mask for stagecraft

-finish UVic application:
IN PROGRESS 2 letters of reference
DONE theatre resume
IN PROGRESS 2 essay questions
IN PROGRESS supporting material
IN PROGRESS (just need to pick up tomorrow) transcripts

GOING TO mail transcript from Malaspina to UBC
STARTED to read a book for History
HAVEN'T A CLUE write a research essay for History
FAILING TERRIBLY exercise
DONE clean my room (although it always needs to be done again)
IN PROGRESS (need photos) get my passport

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG

People who drive 30-35km/h along Hammond Bay and put their foot to the brake coming up on every turn MAKE ME WANT TO SCREAM. I did, in fact, scream in my car today. LEARN HOW TO FUCKING DRIVE, PEOPLE.

Had it been another day, I'd have looked the other way...

I like it when alcohol makes me feel love, rather than reducing me to a sobbing pile of shit. I like it when I feel comfortable spilling myself on the table for another person to connect to. I like being at Lisa's.

I crave security, I really do.

I feel anxious when I don't know where I stand with people. However, I'm not sure I'm ready to move out of the gray area. It's where I've always been and so it's familiar.

I don't know how to stop my cat from being fat. :( I'm feeding her good food, dammit! She's my feline baby.

I bought a new plant today. It is reminiscent of Aubrey II. Pretty sweet. I like plants. I like having living things in my space. Not fish though. Fish are boring.

I suppose Sunday should be my day for cleaning and doing work things like working on my application to UVic and finishing my mask for Stagecraft and organizing my room. I just want to sit on my ass and have someone give me a back rub. Man, if cats could be trained as masseuses, I would have it made.

And if people went out ballroom dancing all the time, think how much more well-adjusted we would be. It would cut out so much of the time that we spend sitting down, blankly watching the television and having it influence our thoughts. Plus we'd be more graceful and have better posture. Posture is an important thing, you know. Your spine is a much over-looked part of you. Love it. It's got three meninges: dura mater (hard mother), arachnoid mater (spider mother), pia mater (soft mother). It's so strange that we are encased tissue that we don't even understand the function of, nor can we feel it in an every-day way. So many cells make up one person! Is the Earth just one cell in a cosmic being? Is each person and animal and plant just one cell in the Earth's body? If so, humans must seem like a cancer. We're multiplying too quickly, we're encroaching upon and destroying the rest of the body and we can't be bothered to care. The things people do to each other hurt my heart. This is why I don't like horror movies.

Money can't buy me love...

So I was thinking, as I often do (it's a habit that I can't seem to get away from, more unhealthy than not most of the time) and I was mulling over Martha's blog post from Tuesday... It's taken me a while to get there, but that post was where I feel I am lately. Of course, different personality traits, but the idea is the same. If I think I have many valuable and worthwhile traits, why is it that no one has ever bothered to get closer to me? Keep in mind, of course, that all this is separate from friendship. My friends are very important to me and I adore all of them. But I wonder why it is that I can go for dinner and a movie with a friend, but never a date? And I wonder why it is that I can't believe in my own worth without seeing it reflected by how other people relate to me. Why is my sense of my own value so dependent on having someone choose me as more special than a friend? Really, I don't know how other people do it. How do girlfriends get themselves into the box of "special" instead of just "friend that sleeps with you"? I have only ever been in the latter category and I don't fully understand why that is. How is it that I can get into bed with someone and he will still always regard me as just a friend? And if I don't fool around with whomever, I'm still just a friend. But of course I don't mean to trivialize friendship at all; it's just that as I keep getting older, I feel more pressure to not be single--and not just pressure, but curiosity. I'm curious about what it would feel like to have someone who would be willing to pick me up from the ferry or from work or who would make me dinner or any of the other things that so many people have experienced from high school on. I wonder why it is that I never seem to be a match to anyone, and why I feel I need to be part of a team when really, being single has its perks. I mean, I get myself around by driving. I honestly like driving. If I want something, I usually buy it for myself. I cuddle my cat. I feed myself. I have my own money. I have baths and watch whatever shows I want. I hang out with who I want, when I want. All these things are great, I know that. But then every so often I hit a bit of a pothole that reminds me that I don't have a significant person to count on all the time, like when I had to walk home from the ferry because my mom was busy with Elyse and I didn't have enough change for the bus, or when my boss tells me that I shouldn't drive after the staff meeting because we'll be doing bartending training and trying the new drinks. And then I think 'oh shit, there isn't anyone for me to call. I don't want to inconvenience any of my friends, not all of them have cars, and my mom can't give me a ride home at night because of Elyse." I hate it when I can't do everything I need for myself. I hate it when I realize that life would be improved in a lot of ways if I weren't single. I start resenting being alone, I start feeling more lonely, and I don't feel that there's anything I can do to fix it. It's not like I've been ignoring someone who could be perfect for me, it's not like I've refused dates, it's not like I feel the need to fuck several more people to feel that I've tasted life to the fullest, it's not like I've pushed someone away when they offered closeness. No one has ever asked. And then I feel like I'm not worth the effort, and the cycle continues.

I eat too much...

Ohhhhhh man. So much stuff to do. I'll make a list because I can't think of anything creative to write.

-resume for stagecraft
-mask for stagecraft
-finish UVic application:
-2 letters of reference
-theatre resume
-2 essay questions
-supporting material
-transcripts
-mail transcript from Malaspina to UBC
-read a book for History
-write a research essay for History
-rehearsals
-exercise
-clean my room
-get my passport

Blaaaaaah.

I can't, I can't, I can't stand losing you...

I realize that all I've had are fleeting, distant affairs. I need that distance.

How do you come to terms with life that continues on when a most important person dies? It's all the same. It goes on. And will continue on and on. Weird.