I want you. I want you so bad...

...Just kidding.

This is what I have been thinking today...

At the 6 month mark, I've lost interest. It's much easier now than it was after a month or even two months. I've forgotten what it feels like. It's hard to miss something that you barely remember. It would be different if there were someone I wanted, but I'm accepting that there just isn't. I don't want to do people that I'm not really into. If it doesn't mean anything and it doesn't matter in the morning... why do it? That's my opinion, anyway. I think everyone looks at it differently. I'm not trying to rain judgement on anyone's casual sex parade, cause it that does it for you, cool. It just isn't enough for me. Boys in general don't interest me enough to try to get in their pants, and if there is someone I want, I want him as a person and not just a body. So I'm moving much closer to acceptance in my state. The high school me still wants to complain about it and worry and be neurotic, but she's losing strength fast. It's a waste of energy trying to create my own drama about being single.

And about my lack of interest... I was mulling it over in my head today and I think that one of the several contributing factors is that no part of my identity is dependent on male approval. I don't dress nicely because I want guys to look at me. I don't act certain ways to get guys to talk to me. I generally treat guys and girls about the same, or I avoid guys more. I just don't care to try to get the approval. Maybe it's a childhood thing? A part of the father issues? I know I'm not interested in creating a relationship with my father. I just don't care enough and I know he doesn't either. I didn't have a father figure giving me approval and attention regularly at home growing up. I had a distinct lack of approval and interest in me, and so I did my own thing. I knew my mother loved me, and that's all I really cared about. So what I've learned and reiterated here is that I don't have a need for male attention and so boys are not a priority for me. I don't think I want to make them a priority, to be quite honest. It makes me a bit uncomfortable to be so separate from most other people in this department, but I still don't have the motivation to spend so much of my energy wondering about what guys think of me. I think it's ok that I don't want to mess around or get closer to anyone. Yeah, some of it is still fear of intimacy and I don't think that's healthy, but whatever. There's no one who's caught my interest enough. If/when that happens, I will act differently. Until then, I don't care. I just don't.

And I'm happy to be in Victoria. I'd like to explore the city. I like the vibe of it. I love being on my own. But I do spend too much time alone. I should talk to Tina about a third roommate. I miss Nanaimo only for the people and the familiarity of the city. But let's be honest: without friends, Nanaimo is a drag.

Also, I'd like to do hallucinogens again. That was fun shit.

At times I do believe I am strong, so why do I feel stupid?

I left Marlowe in Nanaimo. She ran out of the car at the last minute and wouldn't be coaxed back. I got frustrated at her and didn't want to repack the car when she finally came back into the house. She was trying to make a point. So I am making one back. Grr.

This was a good weekend. A rocky start, because Friday was a very low day filled with homework in the morning and no breakfast and almost falling asleep in class and crying and then working till 1:45am. Then walking two blocks in the wrong direction, away from my car, because my sense of direction isn't good enough to navigate very well in a city I don't know. Drunk people wandering the streets and all I could think was "I just want home and bed. I worked all night. I can't relate to these people having fun."

But then Saturday happened and I am alright again. Thank you, mushroom therapy. Unconventional, yes, but it really helped. Sober me already knew that I was depressed, but didn't know how to get out of it. It's a self-perpetuating condition: I don't see people and don't have fun, so I get more likely to stay alone and avoid contact and feel invisible. And so the cycle continues. But seriously, that was the most fun I've had on a drug. It was amazing. Good thing it's not addictive. And being able to think about "sober reality" and know that I could bring what I learned in "shroom reality" back to sober was very cool. I really did just need a big hug. I was already getting at the simple fact that I never get touched, but being high cemented it and made me less afraid.

Today was pretty good. I accomplished what I needed to, and helped myself by buying vitamins for my brain so it won't bring me down. I don't want to try manufactured anti-depressants. I'm opting for Omega 3, vitamin D, vitamin B complex, and blueberry pills. And I need to make it a habit, because I would like to have fun instead of feeling like I could sink into the floor and no one would notice. I know people would notice. But I still try to be invisible sometimes. I leave and I forget how to connect, which makes me more disconnected and lonely. Lame. Disassembling my realities made me see that I've been sitting at the back of class, not talking, leaving right away (though I do have classes ten minutes apart, so I forgive myself that one), thinking of myself as not making any impact. Hiding, essentially. Being socially inept. Watching but not participating. Trying to not attract anyone, friends included. Keeping my head down and my mouth shut. I lost interest in everything for a short while, and that scared me enough to do something about it. Wanting to leave everything and go off the deep end is too fucking scary and no fun at all. I won't do it.

Ok, so now in a more relaxed state of mind, i realize that i don't remember what it felt like to be really into someone. sometimes smells almost bring me back, but not really. and because i don't have a sense of that anymore, i'm cool without it. i don't think i'm missing much. oh my god what if i'm actually frigid? that may be a possibility.

OMG I just saw a commercial that used the words "after douching... Refresh"!

Ew.

That is not right. That is just not right.

Empty as a pocket with nothing to lose

And then, when the sun is out and I've just had a good class and I'm feeling pretty positive... then I say screw it, I don't think I'm a couple person. I think I'm cool just being me, separate from a pair. I really don't need it. I'm getting better at telling myself to relax when I get neurotic and lonely. Go me.

What I DO need is to finish unpacking. Figuring out where to put all my junk is rather a challenge. I need floor space in my room!

I was talking with my mom and Grandma Joyce last night before dinner, and we were discussing how cool my cat is, and how I lucked out with her and with my new home and my job. I think this has been a really positive year over all. I have a job that I'm enjoying more than anything else I've done so far, and it was super easy for me to transfer. My cat is the easiest cat to take care of because she doesn't freak out and misbehave when she's moved into a new situation. And I've found a really nice place to live, with a very easy going roommate. This is goooooood!

Only thing is, I'm not allowed to buy any more groceries until there is space in my cupboards. I can buy produce, but that is all. I've gone a bit crazy with the food lately... All I've spent money on this month has been rent, food, gas, and parking. And alcohol.

This weekend was quite enjoyable! Other than being slightly hungover two mornings in a row, and having two not so great sleeps in a row, I had a lot of fun. I saw my mom and Elyse, had dinners with them and watched Beauty and the Beast on Friday. Had time with the puppies, too. That was very nice. I went to two parties! And got my hair cut! It was a social weekend for a change. Hurray!

Why don't you write me?

The sun woke me up and now I'm at home, waiting out a little bit of nausea and residual disappointment in men in general. Don't hand me heavy feelings when I'm drunk, I drop things. I hate to type this out, and maybe I shouldn't (but it's early and I didn't get a whole lot of sleep), but I've come to see that no man can take better care of me than I do. Period. Add that to the fact that they never want to, and I should probably warn my mother that she'll have to wait an extra 15 years for grandchildren, cause Elyse is her only hope. I'm tired of getting nothing. I'm tired of knowing that I have to chase and plan things to get anything. I don't want it. Too much effort for no point. I honestly don't care enough to bother. It's been years since anyone offered to calm me down when I was upset, or drive me when I was too drunk and needed bed. It's been a really long time since I cared enough to want to be cared about. I was too caring then, too vulnerable; I hurt myself with it and didn't get much of anything back. I can't decide if I'm scared of being hurt more or I haven't cared because there hasn't been anyone worth caring about. The human chastity belt strikes again. I should probably stop calling myself that... but it's too true to stop. Really I should just let it all go. Thinking about this is making me grumpy. Cartoons with my sister it is, then.

Good thing I have the puppies and Marlowe. Someone will always be home for me. :) i loves the puppies.