I read back in this blog. Last year I was ok. At least for several months. Last year I was capable of being happy. What the hell happened? I've been the same kind of miserable for many months, saying the same things, worrying about the same thoughts, being the same kind of negative. It's disgusting. I don't blame anyone for staying away. There's nothing here to like anymore. 

Cause it's too important to stay the way it's been...

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night

Well, Tasia, you must be the one to blame. No one else is responsible for your bitterness and negativity and so many tears. You must be a chore to interact with. You must give out every wrong signal because no one wants to call you. You're not close enough to anyone but your mother. You can't share the weight of this feeling of being left out of everyone's lives except in stupid fucking typed words. But the irony is, if you had that intimacy, that problem would dissolve. You're spending another night alone, congratulations. And really, why would anyone think of you? You probably don't give enough or something. You probably don't listen to your friends' problems, do you? You don't offer favours or ask people to hang out, right? Oh wait, maybe there were some instances when you were a good friend, when you went out of your way to help someone out or send messages just because. But obviously you weren't good enough if you're this down and no one is thinking of you. By the way, people have their own lives to get on with and you've somehow managed to remove yourself from everything and get left behind. Good job. There's something so wrong with you. You must be impossible to get close to, because only one or two people will make time to spend with you. Yeah, you're a fucking loser and loneliness begets more loneliness. Face it, they can smell it on you. You're stunted. And angry. And sarcastic. Who the fuck are you, anyway?

You have so much time to fill with nothing to do and every hour seems to stretch out.
You fucking fall apart the second you're alone even though you spent all day and all the night before with someone.

Fuck, why are you so angry? Why would you possibly hope for help from anyone who hasn't been depressed? They can't possibly understand. You removed yourself from the life you had before by working nights in the summer and then moving. You've never been good at this. You can't build anything for yourself. Somehow you manage to be alone in each living situation you choose for yourself. Through it all, there is only one person who is there to hold you up, and she's always been busy with some other worry or person who requires more attention than you. But you never ask for the spotlight, so this is where you're left.

What a fucking idiot, thinking you could handle this. The theme of your life is "separateness". 

Why didn't you write anything when you were feeling happy yesterday and the day before? Can't go more than 2 days without crying. You're a fucking mess. You have nothing new to share, nothing good right now. You're boring because your life is spent sitting alone. Fuck you, I wouldn't spend time with you either if I weren't you. You can barely manage go to the grocery store and pick out yogurt because you don't know what you want and all the choice is overwhelming. God, that's fucking pathetic.

I want to scream at all of this. I would vomit out this anger and bitterness, but things don't work that way.

I write this because I'm hurting and i can't express it any other way.

I don't know what you could possibly expect under this condition.

I am reaching new levels of dysfunction. I feel like something broke in me long long ago, and only now I'm realizing that I can't handle this business of living. All I am is blank. I can't keep up relationships; I don't think I am capable of falling in love with anything or anyone.

It seems impossible that drugs will pull me up.

Christmas scares me.

This aching heart ain't something I done
This aching heart's been handed down
But I'm done with it now

So I take that screaming in my head
I walk through those doors and stand there staring
And my hand slips into my coat and everything just freezes...

Bring on the Pills.

The goodness found in a tiny portable music player is once again a part of my life. Yesssss.

I finished my final project in one day.I had 4 hours of sleep and after the morning, I was full of energy. Was as upbeat as I ever get, actually. I had a good shift at work. I wish I were more comfortable there. But that is just because of never being there.

Maybe I should bring more sleep deprivation into my life.

I want ice cream. And/or chocolate. Damn. Hungry and lazy and tired are not a good combination when you don't have a microwave and everything requires effort.

The term is so so close to being over!!

Maybe tomorrow I will pick up some hair dye. And chocolate. Really, just the chocolate would do it.

I want to GET things. Being on the outside is so boring.