No, I just sound high.

Dependence is fascinating. These strings of need that we weave through and around each other. I've lost a lot of my faith in them. If I don't miss you, I must not need you. And for some, I worry that I don't miss enough. The heartstrings hurt when tugged. Can't I just calm the fuck down and say, "Here. This is enough love for me. This will keep me"? But no, it's always with the wanting more. Yearning for stability when stability doesn't exist in life, ever. Tis all transient connection and yet an interconnected web of all that is. Therefore, I, and everything else, is already connected to everything that is, everything that I could possibly need/want. Which is all lovely and philosophical and doesn't work for real life. You have to move to a different vibration. You have to change yourself in order to change what the world gives you. You have to love yourself? I'm not there yet.

Fine, then. Recognize the precious and hold it close. Trust that not everything is a lie, but be prepared for it to turn out that way? My instincts are shot. I don't trust myself to choose properly. I'm waiting to be fucked over. Not that I won't fight it, because I will. But people are fickle, and the ones who loved you can always hurt you to the core. I hate not knowing the truth of things. I hate not knowing which path to take. I hate not being able to fully tell what I am and what I should choose for the better. I hate my own indecision. I loathe risks involving the heart. Fucking fight for me, would you? Nevermind. I won't and wouldn't fight for you, either.

Fuck it. Whatever. It's not like I have any time for that sort of stuff anyways. That part of me needs to be ignored.

This is ridiculous.

I'm having trouble breathing, and it's not all because of the nasal congestion.

Oh, it's taking so long. I could be wrong, I could be ready...

I'm between ways of thinking about this whole romance/sex thing right now. I'm not sure if staying much the same and not bothering to try anything is the way to go. I honestly can't think of many guys that I would like to get into bed. But there are several on the periphery. But do I really want to start pushing that way? This time of my life would be the time. Then again, do I have the time and energy for that? Or do I just want to go along without it and just sit through fuckload more waiting? Planting a seed is easy for those with skills, but I'm not in that category. I'm not sure I even find enough people attractive to put myself out there.

This brings up the question: is destiny something that will sneak up on you, or must you constantly work for it? HMMMMMMM. At any rate, some personal pattern and energy and paradigm of mine must change.

I tend to overthink most things, but I underthink certain things that, in retrospect, could have led somewhere if I hadn't been so oblivious. The universe gives me what I ask for, but I find it's always more delayed than I would like.



Hey, Universe. Yeah, it's me. You mind hurrying up with that meaningful person for me? I've had a very steep learning curve this year and I would really appreciate some help in this. I know most of what I need and it's hard for me not seeing it around. Maybe if you could just help me open my eyes a bit? Sorry to be a bother! Have a nice eternity!

Sincerely, Tasia.

P.S. Thank you for the cat. She's practically perfect. (Pun not intended.)

It's Business Time.

Holy crap. That was a whirlwind and exhausting. I got one aunt to the ferry and the other the airport in Victoria today. My right leg is a bit sore from all the driving. Cruise control is fabulous.

Now that this is all done (or done enough, I'm sure more will come up) I've got a lot of catching up to do. I've got 15 pages of a script to write by Monday and I don't know where the time and the inspiration will come from. Bleh. I've got theatre coursework to do too. And a room to clean. And laundry. And some rehearsals. And performances. And a routine to fix. I'll sleep when I'm dead?

What did I give to you, what did you give to me? A nothing trail of silences that warp in the rain.

Separated. Is it because my practiced walls spring up at a moment's notice, especially in a hospital? Is it because I never felt like I knew him much? I've got the ache in my chest, but my eyes are dry so far. I'm really not feeling it. I feel terrible and like a cold hearted bitch. I don't feel connected to this soon to be death. I'm sorry he's on life support. I don't feel it. I'm sorry he wasted his life with booze. I don't feel it. I will help the ways I can, but I just don't want to do the mourning again. I want anything but the grief. I want this year to be over now. I can't take much more of this. Or I can. But it's just closing me off more and more. I don't like the way it changes me. I feel it.

crawls like a worm from a bird...

I'm tired of being told i'm not caring. i'm tired of being told i'm not improving. i'm tired of being told i'm not doing anything to help myself just because i haven't entered serious counselling. i'm tired of being feverishly angry so often. i'm tired of being miserable under the surface. i'm tired of writing shit like this, and i'll probably delete it later. why do i feel like an emo teenager lately? why has this year been so stupidly hard and full of drama and stress that just won't go away? i hate these moods. i can go from wanting to hide under a rock to happy in just a few hours. i'm tired of feeling guilty for having fun and having my own life. i'm tired of being told i haven't ever helped out when that's not true at all. i'm tired of being told that i'm just feeling sorry for myself. i'm tired of my family. i feel no connection with anyone but my mother and elyse. everyone else is too far away, either physically or mentally. i'm tired of all the bullshit this year has brought with it. it's like wading through a dump and not getting anywhere. mostly, i'm tired of having my opinion, my view, not be valid. i'm never right with her. i'm always selfish and uncaring and i don't do enough and i'm just wallowing in self pity and not being proactive. but tell me, how can i get above that if i keep being brought down with it? how am i supposed to feel worth it when the most important person in my life thinks i'm so awful? i might be strong. i might be. but i'm not strong enough for this. she's mad at me for not being like her. for not being so giving, and self-sacrificing, and strong, and never taking time for herself, and being able to play with Elyse, and always being home. but i'm not that strong, and i can't be that sacrificing. i've seen what it's done to her, and how miserable she's been, and how miserable she's made me because she wouldn't give up on trying to make love work. and yes, i haven't been motivated steadily for years, now. yes, my room is a mess. but when i AM motivated, she doesn't notice. and when i AM helping, she doesn't take it into account. powerless.

there was this cabinet/bookshelf loaded with cups and wine glasses in my dream last night. i walked down the stairs and accidentally brushed the cabinet. it started to spill over, and i couldn't stop it. i couldn't save the most fragile wine glasses, and they smashed on the floor. the cabinet was built crooked. my mother yelled at me for breaking the glasses. it's a good metaphor. well done, subconscious.

i want this pain in my chest to go away, and i want to not be burdening everyone around me with this constantly. it's not fair to anyone. i apologize.

This war inside my mind is killing me...

I know, I need to suck it up. Is it the weather that's bringing me down? To a certain extent, I think it is. But the rest is a combination of shit that I need to stop thinking about. Bleh. I hate feeling like this. I hate being afraid of the same old things, the same person WHO SHOULD NOT MATTER. I need to get over it. I need closure. And my money back. I don't like feeling ashamed of trying to help someone I loved. How awful is that?

I need to feel valued and adored, not used and ignored. Soon, please. Please?