It's like a book elegantly bound but in a language you can't read (just yet)

You wanna know why I do it so often? I like the way I am when I'm stoned. I feel more intensely, i'm more giggly, i'm happier, and my brain makes the best analysis on shit like how the world works. at least, it always feels profound. it's more that i understand simpler things because i think more like a child and make bold connections that might otherwise be overlooked by an adult brain who assumes too much.

so i just figured it out: the entire goal of life is to be happier. we have just been confused about how to be happy. we think when we work harder and make more money to buy better things, then we will have achieved happiness in our lives. and that's why i've been feeling so down: i haven't been bothering to make myself happy. i am starving myself slowly. i become less likeable when i am hungry. spending time with the glass Alice makes me come back to myself on a good trip like this. i can feel the presence of my body more. i miss it. news flash, tasia: you like being happy! why the fuck shouldn't you have more of it?

i like being this mellow but excited at the same time. I don't worry about stupid things.this is a good time. and now i shall continue to watch gary sinise be weird on csi; ny. i wish reaper was on instead.

Without you it's a waste of time

I've been living in my head lately. Living away from everything else, filling my free space with television because I'm too bored to come up with the energy to do something actually fun. I might try going to a movie by myself.

I get into a pervasive mood like this and I can't see my way out of it. The apathy likes to invade and doesn't like to move. It's like a subtle fog. I am still fully functioning but I'm not having enough fun. I feel responsible and boring. I could choose to keep up life like this until my eventual death. I can't help reminding myself how long it's been since I was touched. I lack belief in the possibility that someone would make effort to get me alone. I don't feel like pushing anything. I always hit the wall when I try to imagine mutual attraction happening for me. And lately I think I could just go on like this because I often don't have the energy to commit to wanting to be with someone. There is the part of me that wants it as always, but I've started to doubt that part actually knows what it's thinking about. I don't have the energy to push toward even trying to get laid again. Sometimes the thought of sexual activity grosses me out. Right now I think I've lost whatever sexuality I might have had. I don't think I've ever felt really good about that part of me anyways. It just seems like too much effort and disappointment and I can barely remember what it was like to really want to be around a particular person. I think I'm slowly taking a vow of celibacy, a little more each day. So now the bizarre part is not wanting anyone and feeling apathetic, but wanting to want someone because it's a good rush. I don't think I can even work up the energy to desire a random fuck to remind me that I am capable of sex. I am not sure I am. I don't feel open to dating. I don't have what it takes to make myself open to possibility. I can't give any energy to attracting anything. Yeah, positive attracts positive. I don't trust that I even have the positive in me. I think I would get out of control with wanting and get hurt like before, or I would be the cold one. I think the sensual part of me is the one that is pushed aside the easiest. Responsibility becomes more important. This is when I start to become my mother.

I just don't fucking want anything right now. I must be in limbo.

What happened, you guys? I haven't heard from Eryn or Nathan in so long. Is it me? Yeah, I've gotten fucking boring and I work nights. Doesn't mean I have a significant other to hang with, doesn't mean my cell has died.

My perception is only my own, but I feel like there must be something wrong with me because people don't bother to try to contact me. I must live in a different world. My world has many thoughts, late nights, and television in it. It is sexless and has a population of me and sometimes Marlowe and sometimes Alice, my pipe. I've been watching Numbers and CSI:New York at 1am. And then House comes on after those.

Perhaps the weed has made me schizophrenic and none of what I think is rational actually happens that way.

I had a thought today. Well, a significant one amongst all the rest of every day mumbo jumbo. If Helge liked to close things in architecturally, making little enclosed spaces where it would be easier to leave things open and free, what does my room say about my life strategy? I leave junk all over the floor and have little paths to walk through. I don't organize often. Trouble getting rid of baggage, I guess. Much baggage. It just builds up and covers everything, preventing easy movement. I feel stuck.

I feel disconnected and dull. Work is the only part of my day that feels real.

join the workforce, boy

AHHHHHHHHHH tonight was difficult. we got slammed good and hard and it wasn't fun nor was it pretty. stupid dayteam didn't do enough prep, so when we got super busy it was even worse. we had ran out of six menu items that i can think of off the top of my head. that is bad. bad bad bad. i am tired. after most of the rush was through and we were out so many things, i went to my happy place and stopped caring. the only thing keeping me going is PEMMMMMBERRRRRTIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMM!

which will come way too fast. it is 11:30.

We live in a beautiful world (yeah we do, yeah we do)

I am waiting to hear back from a potential roommate. Her craigslist ad was full of personality and it was funny, too. AND the place is right behind Hillside Mall, which is in the same neighbourhood as my friend Harry and his girlfriend. So basically, if I meet this girl and we hit it off and she wants me to move in, I will be very very happy. Her email was really friendly too, I can only hope that she is that cool in person!

There have been a couple other ads that sound potentially good, too, so if this one happens to not go through, I feel good about having other options. I have hope! I can't wait to be on my own. Again. But I'll do things differently this time, and make sure that there is open communication. Not that I was bad at communicating the first time, but my roommate sure was.

I want a bubbler or a Guinivere-(why can't I remember how to spell that?) sized friend. Soon.

And damn, I should probably wash my car. After Pemberton. Yessss...

Perhaps I will get paid today. That would be lovely.

I used to stand for something, now I'm on my hands and knees

I am tired. I want someone else to put fresh sheets on my bed. I want someone else to rub the knots out of my shoulders.

I emailed several people about roommate possibilities and such. I am viewing an apartment tomorrow afternoon. I don't know, maybe it's better for me to live alone. I can only hope for what I need, though I don't know what that is at the moment.

Yeah, I'm an anomaly. I won't get mad if I say I won't. I don't get pissed and hold grudges about stupid shit. I'm not dependent on compliments and I don't try to make other people feel bad. I'm very honest (at times it seems brutal, but that's just because so many people are afraid of the truth. It's a dish not served often enough). I'm very strong (not necessarily physically, but I'm stronger than average in that way, I think). I catch on quickly. I'll try for you if you ask me to. I don't get sick of people. I give pretty good relationship advice based on communication and logic. I'll never turn into a crazy bitch but I'll fight back if I have to.

I don't know if I've ever been anyone's first choice. It seems like I've just been there, but without being chosen. I don't know how I would react to being chosen. I've gone so long without being touched that it's a foreign thought to think that it will happen again. I mean, I don't think I'll go my entire life without any action, but right now it seems like an alien concept. I've started looking away during kissing scenes on tv. It's like watching the Food Network when you've got the munchies and empty cupboards.

Year Zero is my favourite NIN album now. Viva La Vida wins from Coldplay.

I dyed my hair today to get rid of the brown. I like it better dark. Course, then I forgot to bring bobby pins to work and managed to make it all stay in my hair net under my hat. Lucky. Eryn, what did you order? Maybe I made it for you...


And so soon is PEMBERTIIIIIMMMMM! I have Thursday through Sunday off now!!!

Build your heart a diamond and it don't need no ring

Matt Good is still breaking my heart.

In other news....
It's good to be at a job that I look forward to doing, even if it's going into the dish pit for hours. I'd rather spray dishes than deal with customers 90% of the time. The dishes don't care if I'm not smiling at them. And working on oven is pretty fun, actually. I love food. I love it. Edible art.

It's funny how part of me is happy without wanting anyone particular, and part of me misses it.

Mostly I just want to find a good place to live. Having my own space again, but this time I'll be totally in charge and it will be so much better. I'll finally get to use my music plates that I bought so long ago! I'll buy groceries that I want, and cook large batches of things so that I can eat a lot of leftovers. I'll try to eat more salad and fruit. And sorbet. And gelato. Mmmm gelato. I need to buy a microwave. And a french press. And a kettle. And a better set of knives. And probably a couple other things that I'll discover as I go. I also need to organize and downsize. Get rid of more clothes that I never wear, pack up my young adult books so I don't have to take them with me.

Yes, this turned into a very interesting post.

They were sitting on the strawberry swing

Ughhh. I can't sleep. I'm bored. Unsatisfied. Goddammit I was doing so well today. I was in a wonderful endorphin enduced happy mood after the river and even at work. Even getting cut after two and a half hours didn't bother me. I felt sooo good! It felt like if I went to the river every day like that and had a nice little swim in the sun, everything would be exceptionally enjoyable. And now I feel full of pent up energy and annoyance. I wonder if it's the result of exercise earlier today? I seem to have more energy after exercise, so maybe more is the solution? I just feel itchy and grumpy and I want to kick something. Goddammit. I wish I weren't out of weed. This is bullcrap. There's nothing good on tv either. I think I may be having a small temper tantrum right now.

What do you think? Am I right to refuse to make amends?

It's not that I don't think your apology was heartfelt, it's that I have moved on and the trust and love that I had for you has been forced away. It's been a year and a half and you waited too long.

I spent so much time being angry at you and crying and I don't want to go back there. I had so many dreams about physically hurting you because you hurt me so much, but finally they stopped. Maybe if you had apologized within a couple months of my move, maybe I would have accepted. But at that point I was still in shock over how betrayed my friendship was.

Until it happened, I didn't believe anyone could treat someone they said they loved with such disrespect. And what made it worse was that I had told you how Helge was treating my mother and how awful it was and how shocked I was, and then you did similar things to me. I lived without a bedroom for weeks and weeks, with my stuff thrown in more than three different places around the house, constantly searching for things because I had packed everything in a rush because you made me feel unsafe in our home. I endured Helge's verbal abuse for months. I had to share my mom's bedroom, which we kept locked, because there was no other place for me. When we finally locked him out of the house, he broke down the back door. It was not a good situation, and to top it off, I was healing after a broken friendship.

I really don't understand your actions. I was moving out anyway and you could have easily helped the process or you could have stepped back and I would have had all my stuff out by the end of the month. We would have still been friends. You made your choice. I don't understand it. I didn't think I was preventing Alex from coming around, and I recall being the one to suggest that he have a key. Now I am making my choice to stay away from you. Two breaks in a friendship are enough for me.

Over the year and a half I have really enjoyed my connections with my new friends. I've also gained respect and love for myself. I'm a very strong person and I've gotten through a lot without causing a lot of damage to others. I'm coming to understand that people who want to cause pain to others are suffering from a lack of true self-love. I don't want to be miserable anymore, and I choose to surround myself with people who will build me up and love me, not tear me down. Love will always be stronger than anything else, but you have to choose to make it that way.

It's all well and good to hang out with people and have fun, but friendship means more than that. Friendship means standing by when things aren't going so well, doing things for each other, and making effort to see and communicate with each other. I hope that you will treat the rest of your friends and yourself well, because friends are one of the most valuable things you can ever have.

Where's your soul gone to? Your shadow is coming through.

I go to sleep so often and want more.
I could evolve past it?
Maybe I want that.
Maybe I don't.
I could evolve past it. I'm that good.
Ohh and then everything I know argues against that. The weakness wants it to end now. The weakness wants something, anything. The strength says no. The strength is bored easily with shallow encounters. That's what stops anything. That's why I'm fucking bored but I'm good at it. I could be a closed machine. So close.

But the puppies!! I do like being in love. I do like it. It's just hard to find.

And maybe I'm ready. But the doubt that I feel, the fear of change that's hanging on, the need for my own space and enjoyment of my alone time, those tell me I'm good as I am. Why would I go through the hassle of dating when I can just rent a movie and order take out for myself?