But you, you make me better, you give me pleasure. It's just your effect on me. You taught me a lesson, now I'm behaving. Must be what's best for me

I am frustrated with several things right now, but I think they all boil down to the same thing.

I hate that we live in a culture that is so one-track-minded. Our advertisers create problems just so that they can sell their products, which mostly do one of two things: they teach us to dispose of everything without reusing, or they teach us to be afraid of dangers in our world that likely don't even exist. WE ARE NOT DISPOSABLE. I don't like cutting people out of my life once they've been established. I hate having to dispose of friendships. I hate feeling cut off from people I want to be around. Maybe I form bonds too strongly, but I can't help that. I don't think it's a bad trait. I don't think adoring people is a bad thing, but it seems to not fit so well in this society.

I think that there is too much focus on "just having fun." This isn't to say that fun isn't great. But why aren't we encouraged to value people more? Why are simple gestures, like giving flowers, so foreign to us these days? What's so great about having people just want to get you into bed? What's so great about just using someone for physical contact? Of course, I'm not trying to say that this should never happen. It can be totally necessary to have someone get you through the night. But we have to realize that that benefit will only last for a day or two. Why is it not seen as fun to have strong connections? It's only fun if you don't have to help each other in any way? Don't have to be needed? Why is it so damn scary to have someone want more than friendship? Why can't fun be light-hearted but true at the same time? Knowing that someone wants you for your company seems worthwhile to me. I'd rather have that. I'd rather appreciate the people I'm spending time with and like who they are, not try to hang out because I want something from them. But if my friends need something from me, I'm there. I'm just done with being the only one to have anything to offer in a relationship of whatever kind. I can only do that for a limited time.

I feel like too much of our media and programs and other parts of the culture point us in the direction of having numerous shallow relationships rather than working together with one person to create a strong, lasting bond. We're not being taught to appreciate the good in everyone. Instead, we just drop anyone who doesn't seem to perfectly fit with us. We have lost the honour in connecting. We divorce too much in everything-- products, fashions, cars, relationships. And we do things for the wrong reasons, like money or ego. It worries me. People acting against their better natures, people lying about what they feel for others. I worry because I know that a person can have a totally different opinion and feeling towards another person. How do you avoid a one-sided relationship if the other person doesn't have the guts to tell you they feel nothing? I think being with or marrying someone who's faking it is one of my biggest fears. I fear that it's already happened and that makes me feel very ashamed. I loathe the idea that anyone faked with me because I don't want anyone to do anything that they aren't totally into. I'd rather be told the truth and avoid any situation where one person has to pretend. I can't operate dishonestly. It goes against my very core.

In a world where you have to constantly remake yourself and try to be up to date with the next new thing while working and getting educated, how can we have the time to really connect? It takes time. And patience. And those are two things that are incredibly strained in this culture. There are always demands on our time to fill it with more activities or errands and so much of the world tells us that this product will save time and why should you wait when you can use this product and be done twice as quickly? No time to cook a proper meal because you're running all over? Here, have this powdered substitute with little nutritional value. I feel like we're doing that with people, too.

It feels like too much to me. I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time with the things I should be doing instead of just BEING. We as a society are moving too fast and forgetting to nurture ourselves in more ways than one.

I get a little crazy with the razor blades. Go on and call your mama if you need a band-aid...

Uhhhh. Yeah. I get caught up in my own pessimism. I get mired in depressive sludge. It makes a lot of things worse. I won't be this way forever. Right? Right, Tasia.

That's not to say that days aren't good. Entertainment is good. Life is good. The beauty around me is good. I enjoy having the time to do my own thing. I wonder why it is that the nights I have off and stay at home are the nights when my mom is out of the house. Our schedules are almost completely opposite right now, it seems.

And laundry. How is it that laundry just keeps going and going? Ugh. Sunday night tv sucks, but I haven't changed out of my pj pants yet today and so I don't want to go out and rent a movie. But I will tomorrow. Eagle vs. Shark is what I want to watch for my own amusement.

I went to Vancouver and saw Dragonette on Friday. Had a lot of fun. It's always amazing how much there is to do in Vancouver. Just one more reminder of how lame Nanaimo is. But we do have nature. And lower cost of living. Both are a big bonus. However, going out for a change is nice. Staying in is good, but I do love concerts. I wish I were able to go to more of them. Just being around large numbers of people is interesting. And the commercialism is interesting too. Everything takes money, though. Obviously.

And so, what am I going to do this summer? Work. Have fun. Hopefully get some more ideas for a life path. Save up for moving, I guess. Figure out where I'm moving. Exercise.

I think one of my core defining characteristics is honesty. Honest to a fault, sometimes. I know that people don't like brutal honesty, but I won't subvert myself in order to appease the rest of the population's appetite for bullshit. I won't do it. No bullshit. I can't operate with bullshit. And I don't want to use people. I don't need a lot of shallow connections for the sake of experience. It won't feed me, I've realized. I feel that I don't fit in with this culture. I want to care. I don't want to be thrown away like every other disposable product being created for the world market. Not satisfaction, for me.

Why is Superman dead? Is it in my head?

I'd just like to say one thing:

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU, HORMONES!! YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF.

You know what I hate? Wavering between two opposite points of view. CONSTANTLY. Wavering, feeling uncertain, feeling insecure because I've been playing games and not being entirely true to myself and I STILL don't know what I want to do. I'm never entirely sure what I want. I doubt that I have enough appeal. I feel lost much of the time these days. And the hormones. God, the up and down emotional ride that being a woman entails. I hate being this complicated, wound up person with so many conflicting emotions. I want to have a clear mind. I want to not be worried about what things mean and where I stand. I want to not always be the one taking the initiative. I don't mind doing it for the most part, but all the time makes me totally unsure if I'm even wanted. Periods suck. suck suck suck suck suck fuck off.

De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da...

Going to a play instead of being backstage at a play or in a play was a refreshing change. I always forget how much I enjoy the magic of theatre. And to have a fly gallery! Ah, that would be splendid. It makes the play seem so much more professional and well-executed. It was an exceptionally beautiful play, visually. And hanging out with Tim and Lisa was fun, too. All in all, a very good Wednesday.

I think I killed my ivy plant. Ooops.

I think Kalan Porter is lame. I'm sorry, he just is. LAME.

I really miss music. Like, band. One of the things I want to do in life is learn more instruments. Guitar, trumpet, and violin or cello are on the list.

Gaaaaah, can't wait to move out. Want my own space where I won't feel guilty for not being around. I feel bad that Marlowe is so lonely, though.

Umm... can't think of anything else to write at present.

It's like a dream you try to remember but it's gone. Then you try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn...

Yes, it's stressful. Yes, all my time is being sucked up by this play, more than ever before. And yes, I feel that I'm somewhat entitled to bitch about it. There's a difference between being mentally exhausted and being bitchy for no good cause. And yes, I realize that we should all keep our heads up and be do our best to be positive and whatnot. But forgive me if I don't have the energy for that all the time. Homework, classes, work, and hours and hours of rehearsal every week on top of everything is a bit much to deal with, especially when you're trying to eat properly, and staying sane. I just wrote a 2000 word research essay after a 40+ hour rehearsal week during reading break, and a 13 hour cue-to-cue. I need to vent. A certain amount of venting helps me feel a bit better.

All that being said, after the last couple days of getting some sleep, I feel less on the edge of a breakdown. And I am home for a couple hours, which is helping a lot. I need time to relax that isn't between the hours of 11 and 1am. I need time away from the show, to decompress. There is too much going on, and it's been like this for over a month. If I weren't exhausted, there would have been no way Ross would have made me cry that day.

So, yeah, I'm going to bitch when I feel like it. I still enjoy the show, though. I actually like this play. I enjoy the singing. Not so much the marching, but whatever. I need time away from the theatre to recharge my batteries and feel upbeat. And now I do. Got some food in my belly that I cooked on a stove instead of a microwave, and I'm sitting down and relaxing until 6:30. This is great!! I feel much better. And tonight my mind will be with me, instead of leaving me in the middle of a scene. Perhaps I'll even have time tomorrow to go to the mall with Lisa. And if not, no big deal. I have other nice dresses. And I'm excited for some WINE!