Hold on to what you been given lately.

Here's what I think about some stuff:

-distance begets clarity. If you are too close to something, you can't see it very clearly.
-The issues and events of the past can be examined and understood fully only years later.
-our relationships dictate our actions, for the most part.
-big things need to be talked over with close friends. Even if we can't find a solution, knowing someone knows what you feel and what you're going through is a big help. It also strengthens relationships.
-people will always surprise me.
-life is infinitely unpredictable. It fascinates me.
-love is a complicated thing. I wish it were simple. I wish it would fix everything, but it doesn't.
-time has a funny way of moving fast when you have lots of things to do.
-music is wonderful when effort and talent go into the making of it
-according to science, energy cannot be created nor destroyed. Therefore, the energy of our spirits when we die must change into something else. It can't simply disappear. I find that comforting.

And some personal observations:

-I'm not comfortable when I'm out at the bar. Whether this is a self-confidence issue, or that I just don't like it, I'm not sure.
-alcohol makes me cry easily.
-I want to know which way to go, which city to live in.
-I become more like my mother in crisis situations, and that is not a bad thing.
-I'm going to have children, however that comes about.
-as much as I want romantic love, I do love my independence. There is always a price to be paid for everything, love included.
-as much as I love my cat, I sometimes wish I could just live on campus and not worry about finding a cat-friendly apartment for next year.

The reasons like seasons, they constantly change. And the seasons of last year like reasons have floated away..

I've been feeling restless lately. Off and on, but always on again. For a while it's been just a haze in the back of my head but now it's solidifying.

I think am finished here. I don't want to be in this town anymore.

I need to travel. I need to get away. Bleh. I need my passport.

It's not the school, persay. It's definitely not the people. I like the people. It's just something about this town. I feel trapped. I want something new. I want more of myself, more of the better me who makes appearances sometimes.

I miss my friends on the mainland. I miss my friend Harry, who is one of the only guys who will tell me he loves me and I love him. You don't have to be perfect to be adored. I need people to adore. I've learned that.

I think people can rise to the challenge. If youre life requires certain grit of spirit, you'll manage it. I believe that. I wonder why so many of us don't rise to certain occasions? Do we not know what is required of us? I hope I'm guessing right of what's required of me but I'm still going to get it wrong a lot of the time. I realize that I require a lot of my friends and you know what? So fucking what. I'm sick of settling for lower quality than I want. I don't like to end friendships, but this year has taught me that I can and I damn well will when it's just not working. If I don't miss you, I don't need you. If I miss you, I will make the effort to contact you. I will. Not everything is worth saving. I've learned that the hard way. I can't be giving and getting nothing back anymore. I won't be there for those who aren't there for me. I just won't do it anymore. I've made my standards tough, but I need them that way. I feel my emotions too strongly to let surface things masquerade as deep friendship.

I really don't know where I'm headed. I'm committed only to a point. I'm not in this with my heart and soul; I know I'm not. And I attract fear of commitment. It's really amazing. Hasn't failed yet. I have to keep the faith, have to remember that I must have it in me. I am capable. I'm the most free I've been since early high school. I don't regret it. It may be me, but it's not all me. I'll just keep this for now until someone is brave enough for me. Nanaimo is a waiting game and I am bored of it.

I'm tired of this piece of string...

BLEH.

I do not like puking.

I do not like having other people clean up after me.

I am very sorry.

I just want cuddles today. :(