Cold, cold water surrounds me now...

My dog died on Friday night, at about 10:30. She was close to seventeen years old, so it wasn't a surprise. But this house feels empty now. I had a bit of hell on Friday, as I was on the ferry headed to see a friend for the night when my mum called my cell and left messages about Georgie being close to death. Her heart stopped while my mum was giving her a bath, but she revived for a few hours after that. So I spent a couple hours crying in public, having my aunt call me from Tennessee to basically guilt trip me about not being with my dog while she died, not being able to get a hold of my friends in Vancouver, and trying to find a way back home. There was a seaplane flight, but it left about 5 minutes after I found out about it. My mother kept telling me to just leave without giving other friend the concert tickets, which I thought was ridiculous. I made a promise to go to a concert with her, and I am not one to just bail and make someone else have a bad night too. So that was most of my Friday night. Finally, after figuring that I couldn't get home in time, and Georgie wasn't expected to last through the night, I got a hold of Mya, and went to a friend of hers' apartment and then to see Transformers with three of her friends. Saturday was the best day of the weekend, although I was still reeling a bit from Georgie's death. The concert was very good. Sarah Slean has an amazing velvet voice, and Rufus Wainwright dressed up as a woman for part of his encore. On Sunday I left UBC at 3pm to catch the 5 ferry. And then there was no 5 ferry. It left at 6:50. I got home at 9. And didn't eat all day, because I hate eating alone in public sometimes. There. That was my weekend.

I stayed in the same family housing complex that we were living in when we got Georgie. It reminded me how much UBC has been a part of my life, which sounds really corny. I don't know if I am actually considering UVic as a viable option, much as I say I am. UBC just feels like home, and I can't handle moving across the country.

Little by little, bit by bit...

This cat is weird. Cats are supposed to be aloof, right? Not this one. She cuddled with me while I watched Blade Runner. And she insists on sleeping on the end of my bed most times. And she gets annoyed when I sleep out. Right now she's curled up on a pillow next to me on the couch, and purring. This is almost enough relationship for me. I could do without the meowing and walking back and forth on my pillow every morning at 8, though. Oh, and the stinky gas. Ugh. Anyone know how to make a cat stop farting?

Also, Lisa M has peaked my interest for a northern adventure. I think you were joking, Lisa, but if it was only $300 or so to fly up there, I'll totally do it. TOTALLY.

All you need is love...

I just finished watching "Children of Men" and the bonus features for it. And now I'm terrified of global warming once again. I know I should watch "An Inconvenient Truth," but feeling this hopeless isn't good for me. I hate thinking about problems that affect the entire world because I feel powerless to change anything for the better. Watching movies like this also make me feel like I'm choosing a ridiculous profession that won't do any good for the planet and the human race. I don't know what to do. There are just too many of us? We're falling off a cliff of our own creation. What a terrible race to be a part of. We forgot how to love. This lack of love is leading us to destruction.

I didn't get no sleep at all last night, my shoulders were as heavy as lead.

Seriously, I didn't sleep much at all last night. I went to bed at 11:30, probably managed to fall asleep by 12:30, and was up at 3:25. Gross.

I am excited to get my tea leaves read tomorrow with Eryn. It should be exciting/scintillating.

I hung out with a friend I haven't seen for a long time today. It's like the summer of seeing people I never hang out with, which is really cool. We had a lovely talk about all sorts of important things. I am so frickin logical about stuff. I love how much I've matured this year. I love that I can hang out with people and not have any bullshit come up. I like listening. I also like being able to bring up my own experiences and opinions and have them heard. It also turned out that we're going through some similar life events, and I totally knew where she was coming from. All in all, a good day thus far. I just need to find something to occupy my night.

Tears stream down your face. I promise you I will learn from my mistakes.

You know, I think I'm fine. I think I'm fine for weeks, or even a couple months, and then I lose it. I am not fully functioning yet, and I wonder why. How did I get this messed up? How have I managed to ignore it for so long and not fix anything? I suppose it's good that I'm going through this right now, rather than a midlife crisis and before a dozen or more failed relationships, lost loves. But still, I feel lost. I need more security. I need to know that I have a reassuring male support. That's it. I hate to be cliched like this, but this is really the root of my lost-ness. I know I have wonderful, beautiful women who can support me and be there and have fun and all that other stuff that is super important. I know that, and I'm glad of it. I wouldn't be so happy if I didn't have that. But still, I have this great big strong wall all around me and I've forgotten how to take it down. And that hurts me. I need fixing. I hate that I can't do this on my own. I hate having to rely on other people. I am constantly fixing things, giving practical advice and that's the way I like it. But I can't fix myself. Why is that? Why can't I just heal my own self without any help? I'm terrified of being abandoned. They always leave. They don't follow through. They ignore. They cut me down for no other reason than their own insecurity. They don't listen. They're emotionally unavailable. Why? I know half the population can't be a total write-off. That's statistically impossible. I just want to not feel so lost.

Could you be loved, and be loved

Ok, I don't know why I picked this moment to post, but here goes...

I started at Mermaid's on Thursday. I think it will work out fine. I wasn't looking for a lot of hours, and it's a lovely relaxed atmosphere. Perfect theatre job, really.

Going to a movie with my mum and Elyse tonight. Her grandmother wouldn't let her talk to my mother when she called yesterday. What a bitch. I'm so glad I don't feel like having any contact with Helge's family.

I've entered another reggae mood. Which makes me think of Jamaica, of course. And it makes me think about how I still don't have a passport, so the chances of going there this summer are very low. But you know, I don't so much mind. I know I'm not close with my father, and I honestly don't feel like I'm missing out. It's not like he tries to connect and I just ignore all the emails and phone calls. It's really like a two-line email or a phone call where he just talks about his job or something else that I try to be interested in. But damn, I would like to go to Jamaica. I'd rather go with a friend too, not just my seven year old brother. My dad doesn't drink at all, so that would also be annoying. Someone should go with me.

I had a brilliant stoner theory last night. We always feel like someone is missing from the group, even when we're all sitting in the same room. What if the MIB or aliens had taken one of our friends away and then erased our memories of him/her? And we only feel the missing presence under the influence, because our brains are working differently. I was quite proud of that theory, although unable to fully explain it.

Update: SWEEEEEEET. My mum found all of my old Star Trek toys. I have some Reboot characters, too. And a Starship Enterprise and a shuttle and a phaser and a different sort of weapon, and a tricorder. That makes me wonder: Is Star Trek available on DVD? I've never seen it. I would be tempted to buy some though, if it were available. I'm so glad I'm brown. It hides my pale inner geek.