If I'm a window, you're just the rain...

So. UVic better be good to go to, because it is a bitch to get sorted out. Emailing people to ask permission to get into classes, which they don't tell you on your letter. Waiting until September to get into other classes, which they don't tell you in the letter. Waiting for transfer credits to be processed so you know what you need to take. Who knows.

Now is the time I keep thinking "shit, I need to find a place that I can afford and that will accept a cat, but it's too early still." And "My room is a disaster. Ugh." And how life is increasingly full of hoops to jump through, paper to fill out, etc etc. I love that in Reaper, Hell is full of bureaucracy. Damn, that is a hard word to spell. I really really like that show. It satisfies a bit of the boyfriend/boy friend quotient with its characters.

when masturbation's lost its fun, you're fucking lonely.

I know it's just one of those nights, but that doesn't make me like it any more.
I know everyone's busy with working steady and boyfriends and living out of town and moving and all that other stuff, but it still feels like no one's available except for Lisa, and when she's busy, I seem to spend the night at home. Whatever.
I know I should go for a walk or something, but I am hungry and bored and I just don't want to. I don't even want to eat. It's too damn late and I don't want to cook anything.

I don't like days that obligate me to stay in and be boring. I do like days that I choose to be boring and clean or read or watch tv or whatever. That's cool, as long as I feel like it. Tonight I just feel cranky. With any luck, soon I will be working a lot of nights/days/whenever. I hate it when boredom feels like a trap rather than freedom to do nothing.

bleh.

Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm lost.

I explode with annoyance at random times. Things that wouldn't bother me so much all of a sudden are too much for me to handle and I snap. I'm a bitch at those times. This, this is a mood swing. I really hope it's the pills doing it so that I can stop and not have this happen anymore. There's no reason to be taking them anyway. I'm going to listen to music until this passes.

"Remember ladies, chew like you have a secret..."

I got a job!

And then I went and bought the new Coldplay, 2 Matt Good CDs, and 2 Bedouin Soundclash.

And the $8.50 bra sale is on! Hurray!

And I get to register for courses next Tuesday!!

And MATT GOOD! Granville Island, Amsterdam Cafe, and much, much more! Hmm, perhaps we should be booking a room shortly.

I have much corporate reading to do, but at least it is classy and 100 times better than McDonald's or Save On.

I've also decided to go for a walk whenever I am feeling lonely and annoyed with my situation. Last night I walked up Nottingham and then all the way down the new part where no houses have been built yet. It was pleasantly abandoned, which I love for walking. I don't much like saying hi to people when they pass me. I prefer being all alone and around trees when I walk.

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!

Another day is done, say goodbye to the setting sun

Before summer is out, I think we should watch at least one sunrise together.
We should also:
-have a picnic
-go camping again (beer all day? OK!)
-go on more walks
-lie around and listen to Coldplay for hours. (next week??)
-bake bread because the smell is intoxicating and wonderful
-watch a sunset or two

I am all you ever wanted, what the other boys all promised. Sorry I told, I just needed you to know...

I've decided that love should make you as happy as a puppy. I mean that in two ways: you should feel as happy as a puppy, and you should have the level of happiness that a puppy brings. End of story. I don't mean you have to run around and jump up on stuff, but why not feel that excited? Why plod along with something that isn't making you joyful? Not that you have to be in rapture 24/7, because even puppies eat your favourite shoe or pee in corners, and that's not fun. I think I just mean that if it isn't helping you stand, if it isn't making you feel wonderful, if it isn't making you feel like smiling at random times during the day, if it feels like a burden, if it's holding you back... that's not what I would call love.

I think of my friends at times. Sometimes I think of when one of you said something particularly funny, or just the sounds of your voices. I carry the feeling of being around you with me. It's lovely.

If you love me, won't you let me know?

These are the last puppy-free hours.

(why is that sexual frustration has to carry over to dreams. LAME. i already know that i have no room for that in my life, thanks anyway subconscious.)

I have money for Seattle. I'm so lucky.
I was responsible last night: I folded and put away laundry, I organized all my paperwork in actual files instead of a shoe box. (I'm proud of myself.)
So far the self-improvement of summer is progressing nicely. Except for the physical... That is always the last part to come along with me. Still living too much in my headspace. But puppies! I can walk comically short puppies for a bit of exercise!

Ok, so with a "special" perspective... Music videos are fucked up. I can't handle the over-sexed nature of most pop videos. They suck. And then Coldplay restored my faith with Violet Hill! That was fascinating to watch. What, some people like to experiment with music videos and make them interesting? That speaks of talent, which is far more lastingly sexy than prancing around in heels and taking off your shirt. Dress the band up in costume! A Regina Spektor video would have saved my soul at that point last night. And the LYRICS. O.M.G. Fucking pathetic, what some people can get away with for writing. I also watched a bit of a Spotlight on Kelly Clarkson and realized that yeah, I actually like her music. So sue me. Her lyrics don't kill my spirit when I'm baked, and the songs are catchy and relatable and she likes to be a bit rock-y. And so it is, we learn something new every day (if we're paying attention).

The tingly chills that I get from listening to music that resonates with me... I could get addicted to that feeling. I think of it as my "this is so right" feeling.

Do you think about me now and then? Cause I'm coming home again...

I'm thinking about what I want now... Not that I haven't before, but giving myself permission to be happy makes me realize that my perspective on things has changed.

I want to do things right. I don't a third-rate boyfriend. I'm way too secure being alone to waste more time wanting what won't satisfy me. And yeah, I want a lot. Why do we think we can't be happy? It's sick. Life is good now. Life is good single. I don't need couplehood that won't thrill me. I don't want to be addicted to misery any more. It's no fucking fun. So I'll tell you what I want (what I really really want? ---had to be done. hee hee hee.)

I want one who isn't afraid.
I want one who wants to be around me.
I want to think of him in the most mundane moments and have a smile on my face. I like having a dimple. Smiling is all it's really good for.
I want bravery.
I want honesty.
I want simple fun and planned fun and relaxing moments.
I want to laugh all the time.
I want to be constantly present.
I want cuddles and maybe some hand holding.
I want sex all the time. If I'm over for the weekend, it should be a priority over sleep. I want it in the shower and on the bed and against the wall and on the floor and in the back seat when it's dark out.
I want to need a day off for my lips to recover.
I want to feel excited and happy when I think about my condom supply, not depressed like I am now.
I want to be wanted that much, and in turn, I want to want that much.
I want the intimate change in tone in his voice over the phone.
I want one who can teach me many things.
I want one who wants to learn things from me.
I want kisses goodbye and hello and for no reason at all.
I want to feel more powerful.
I want to feel as secure as possible.
I want independence in the form of "I CAN live without you. I just don't WANT to." Everything is a choice.
I want someone as strong as I am. (not physically)
I want someone who thinks intelligence is hot, because I do.
I want to talk about interesting things like the nature of life and God and family and music and society.
I want a bit of difference in opinion, a bit of tension, a bit of competition in good fun.
I want days alone to do my own thing and feel some absence.
I want smiles from across the room.

I want to keep it going. I like things to last.

I want love, love, love.

Screw off, melancholy and self pity. All those tears I shed wanting someone who didn't want me? You've had your time. Now is time for living.

Sun is up, I'm so happy I could scream

PUUUUUUUUUPPPIEEEEEESSSSSS!

TWOOOOOOOO PUPPIES!


Miniature dachshund puppies!!

FRIDAY!

It's true, puppies make everything better. It's been a while since we've had a dog and we've missed the company. Marlowe is mine and she's wonderful, but dogs are something else. Dogs wag their tails at you. Dogs have firm little bodies. Dogs try to jump for joy when they are happy. This is very exciting.