I fucking hate essays.

If I were a month I would be: April

If I were a day of the week I would be: Wednesday

If I were a time of day I would be: 11pm

If I were a planet I would be: Mercury

If I were a sea animal I would be: a seahorse

If I were a piece of furniture I would be: a chaise lounge

If I were a sin I would be: sloth

If I were a historical figure I would be: ummm... Amelia Earhart?

If I were a liquid I would be: hot cocoa (duh)

If I were a tree I would be: a blue spruce

If I were a flower/plant I would be: variegated ivy

If I were a kind of weather I would be: windy and sunny, with a touch of rain

If I were a musical instrument I would be: an oboe

If I were an animal I would be: a cat

If I were a colour I would be: deep turquoise

If I were a vegetable I would be: romaine lettuce

If I were a sound I would be: purring

If I were an element I would be: wind

If I were a car I would be: a blue civic

If I were a song I would be: Passenger Seat by Death Cab

If I were a movie I would be directed by: that guy who directed Babel. He'd make me interesting.

If I were a book I would be written by: Phillip Pullman

If I were a food I would be: lasagne

If I were a place I would be: Neck Point Park

If I were a material I would be: suede

I were a taste I would be: bitter, probably. ok, maybe bittersweet.

If I were a scent I would be: magnolia

If I were a word I would be: wondering

If I were an object I would be: a worry ball

If I were a body part I would be: a forearm

If I were a facial expression I would be: one eyebrow raised

If I were a cartoon character I would be: Melissa from Home Movies

If I were a shape I would be a: a parallelogram

Wonder if I could stick around, feel the light of day

Everyone has a different perspective. Right.

I can't tell if my perspective on things is too tough. Like, am I too distant? I suppose that's a silly question. Everyone's different, right? I happen to need time to warm up. I need time to relax in the company of new people. I need my space.

Of course, I probably need less space. I have an abundance of space to myself at the moment, so it puts me off to have people around. I'm not the best socializer, which is good to be aware of. In retrospect I understand what I should have said, but I haven't gotten to the point of saying the right thing in the moment. Social skills, Tasia.

But no, I'm not going to change certain things. I am not going to start giving into people who are fishing for compliments. I'm not a super sensitive person. I admit that I don't understand a lot of human actions because I've never felt the need to act in certain ways. I feel confused when I think of the ease of social interactions that I see in other people. But ok, I'm different. I do tend to put myself on the outside. I tend to hold myself back. I'm uncomfortable being goofy most of the time. But there are moments in which I let go and get outside of myself. I just don't know how to increase them. Yet.

Omg, am I still growing up?? I'm searching for a sense of identity, a sense of myself, a sense of where I fit in. Yes, I am still trying to grow up. Cool. I have grown to be less uncomfortable with myself since early high school, but obviously I'm not done. Frickin relax and let yourself be, Tasia. Also stop talking about yourself in the third person. Starting now.

I'm definitely closely wrapped in a lot of ways, but I am less worried about many things that other people focus on. I like that. I like that I don't agonize about my grades anymore. I am still trying and doing all the work in school, but it's not the end of anything if I get a lower grade than I expect. I'm worried about career, but I have some ideas now. I don't care what people think of me, for the most part. Probably I should start caring more, thinking about how my actions affect others. Right now it seems like I have very little to no effect. I guess I'm not a ghost, after all. Which means that I can reach out and touch things. Now I just need to constantly remind myself of that fact.

Think I'll put you down for a little while...

I think I like drawing. this is the first time i've really tried to experiment and stuff with drawing. i'm doing it because i'm being forced to for class, but i guess it's actually good for me. drawing has always intimidated me a little because i don't have a natural talent for it at all. but i have been making progress just from doing it regularly, and that's pretty cool. shock and amazement, i like being creative and artistic!
congratulations to me for getting an education. yay!

Right now I do not like homework that requires me to go outside of my house. What I need to do is develop pictures for my design homework. I can't do the homework without the pictures. Boo. Also I have to find firewood so that I can make a fire and do the second part of my lighting design homework. Hmph.

Ok, now I'm going to burn a picture cd and I've been looking at all my old photos. Good times, good times. I miss them.

But darling I want the same thing that I wanted before.

This is a challenge already. I know it's bad, but it helps me be less bored. It's not an addiction but it is becoming a crutch. An anti-loneliness crutch.

Still, I'm coughing. So I'm doing the right thing for my lungs.

I had one beer and my entire face went red. Weird. My cheeks are still flushed. Am I becoming a lightweight?

Aimless, as usual. Perhaps an aim is solidifying in me. It's on hold till I finish this damn degree. Well, not on hold... waiting to come to fruition, let's say. Then if I still want it in a year or two, I must actually want to pursue it. I don't know. I don't have a good sense of myself from outside. When someone tells me "I could see you doing that," I don't see it. I wanna do mushrooms again, because that was the only time I could section reality and see myself clearly.

And on a completely different note, I hope I don't get breast cancer. I mean, I don't exactly get any USE out of them, but it would be a shame to lose them. Ok, now that I think about it, I'd rather lose my breasts than someone who uses them lose hers. At least I'd be the only one disappointed. I guess I get a little worried every time they get sore and I'm not sure if I would notice a lump if one appeared. Weird thing to worry about at this age, I suppose. That and the way one of my upper ribs sticks out a little bit in the middle and I have no idea why. Why is that bone not straight? It's strange.

If I come crawling home, will you be there?

I am taking 2 weeks with no weed. It will be a challenge to my willpower in a way a celibacy vow could never be. And thus it begins...

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Ugh. I hate sneezing and coughing at work and at school and not being able to breathe out of my nose. It's not fun, dammit! The 2 weeks off are hopefully going to be good for my health. Every since moving, I've been sick off and on and I'm going to put a stop to it.

I should really keep up more with my homework. Got a test coming up on Thursday... Should study. Yes. Good plan, Tasia. Also am 1000+ km overdue for an oil change. I'm sorry, car! Oh, daily life. You are full of strange things and errands. I am completely out of milk.

SOBER DAY 1!

He's a really nice guy and all, but I'm pretty sure he is a serial murderer.

I'm thinking about tattoos again. The idea of a little pattern of waves for my left hip interests me. Not entirely sure how I want it to be stylized, or where to go in this city. Hmmm... Good thing it's permanent: no pressure on getting it at any particular time.

Tonight I was silly and totally missed my stop. I was reading on the bus home and didn't look up until just before Camosun... Then I wasn't sure what to do, so I got off at UVic. Started walking home, thinking how ridiculous the situation was and hoping I didn't get lost on the way home. But I was lucky and a bus driver heading back to the garage stopped and asked me if I needed a ride! So I got home much easier than I expected, which was super cool. I thanked him several times.

Why is it that every time I choke these days I can't think of anything but Liz Lemon on 30 Rock and how Jack made her scared of dying alone in her apartment. It's funny because it's true.

Jack: Human contact is important, Lemon. I can tell from your stress level that you've not been touched in any way for quite some time. Not caressed. Not massaged. Not even groped on the subway. Do you agree that you need someone in your life, Lemon?

Liz Lemon: No. I have bigger things to worry about than my personal life.

Jack: I would think that the single woman's biggest worry would be choking to death in her apartment.

Dance! Boogie Wonderland!

So I was at work tonight (in dish... the dishes never end!) and I was just doing my thing, cleaning some stuff and I had a thought that went, "I just don't like boys that much." And then I was like "Oh no, Tasia. This is like the first step towards saying you like girls now." And then I thought of that scene in The 40 Year Old Virgin that goes "You know how I know you're gay? Because you just said you've stopped having sex with women." And I chuckled to myself. Silently, in my head. So that no one was creeped out or asked me what I was laughing at.

So I don't think I am actually a lesbian, but just in case I turn out to be down the line, here's where it started. I like looking at them. There are many pretty male faces around school, town, etc. I just... all I can think of when I think of boys is "*SIGH* so much trouble, thinking about effort makes me tired". And that's the feeling behind my great spans of abstinence. Just in case you're bored and need something to read in this moment. Hope that did the trick.

I had Boogie Wonderland stuck in my head for a while during my shift. The Happy Feet version. It was quite enjoyable.


I actually am tired though. My feet hurt. I think I'm even too tired to smoke a bowl. Wow.

Pff, who am I kidding. I'm just too tired to go outside for it. I don't like going to bed right after getting off work, and the only thing on is music videos. Might as well enjoy them in an altered way that will make me sleepy rather than just sore.

A centerpiece idea? ... Just in time for Thanksgiving.

I have to say, I am thankful for this. It has reduced me almost to tears of laughter, and I haven't even watched the entire clip.

http://www.avclub.com/content/hater/this_thanksgiving_make_a_lovely

WTF?!? HILARIOUS.

I vow to never do this to my babies, if in fact I have them.

I think perhaps the lemon meringue baby is my favourite. It's very hard to pick just one.

She's in it for the money, you know love don't mean a thing.

It is entirely possible that I will always return to Matt Good. His suffering is potent. He's one of many artists that I want to reach out and give a hug. Darling, you're perpetuating your own pain. Let it go. Kiss it goodbye and blink it away; it's not doing you any favours.

I am gradually learning to resist being argumentative. I say gradually because I still get caught up in argument, such as last night. I need to leave things as they are more often. I know that nothing created out of pure selfless motivation will cause further suffering, just as what is produced from selfish motivations will create suffering. I should have stepped out of the discussion much earlier because it became more about ego and being right than it should have been. Next time. Letting go of the need to constantly be right is a challenge for me, that's for sure. But you can't change anyone's mind for them, just as you can't make them treat you any particular way. You can cultivate your own energy and give it to the world, which will result in positive impact. You can flow with things instead of struggling in the current of life, which will result in things being provided for you instead of you fighting for everything and causing stress and conflict and hurt. Ultimately, we're all here to live. It's that simple.

I need to read the Bible. I have no plans of becoming Christian, but I do want to integrate Jesus' teachings. I believe people are cultured to be ignorant. I also believe we aren't evil by nature. Nurturing is one of the most base instincts we have, but we're so distracted that we've forgotten. We think we're all here to battle for existence and one-up each other and look at what that's done to us and the planet! Are we happy, on the whole? No. There's something decaying at the core of our system and I think it would be amazing if I were alive to see it fall apart and give way to a better way of living. Perhaps this economic crisis is a start. Guess it's too early to tell. We are rather ingrained in our crazy capitalist beliefs. That's the only way of putting it: we're all insane. It's like we've been locked in a large room and we've been shitting all over it, chewing at our own flesh, and taping up our eyes to avoid seeing the mess. These are not the actions of a sane mind. Being miserable is not progress, but hopefully it makes one want to get to another state of being. Sure is working for me!

Oh yeah, and I want to do mushrooms again. And save up to buy a working ipod. Mine has decided to not move beyond the unhappy crossed-out eyes cartoon. I miss having so much music so accessible. It truly is a wonderful thing. I just love art. My definition of art is something that expresses life. Soaring architecture, paintings that capture the essence of the subject, songs that bring you out of your head so you can just be in the music... I don't count stuff like that giant red canvas. Congratulations, you painted red! That may invoke a reaction in critics but it doesn't capture anything about life that I can think of and I won't regard it as art.

My house gets quite cold these days. Brr.

I'm my own stone around my neck

Ahhh it's been so long. It will go on. It will pass. Nothing's permanent. Comforting, really.

I don't think I have it in me to subscribe to a religion. I can't bring myself to believe in salvation to come in this life, nor many hells in which endless suffering takes place. This is enough for me. No Buddhism. That's not to say that I won't do my best to be happier and help other people out. I will try my best to treat people well and avoid negative thinking and cruelty. I think there will be space for meditation. And compassion. More compassion is necessary. More love, less attachment, less pain. Ok, maybe a little bit of prayer. It's intention, which I do believe in. That's enough.

I'd like to find someone I want to be with. Or several someones over my lifetime. I hate to admit that I need the help.

I'd like to be kissed again. That might be nice. I don't get enough human touch. I miss it. I miss it.

I should give in to passions, I suppose. I have plenty more of myself to break down first. I hope the loneliness is helping. It certainly seems to be, at times.

I would also like to continue with French. I think I shall.

I would like something to do that's beautiful and helpful. Career-wise.

I need a path.

I need more hugs.

Something became clear to me today in class. Either some passion catches me and ties me down, or I'll leave. There are so few things holding me here. So if a big thing happens to cement me, I'll give up the existensialist thoughts and worries and just be as close to normal as I can. But if nothing like that happens by the time I'm finished this degree, I'm gone. I'm already drifting away as it is; I can't and I won't keep this up for decades.

I know we ain't got much to say before I let you get away. I said "Are you gonna be my girl?"

SO. Now I have an ear infection. But hey, I'll take an ear that feels stuffed with cotton over feeling feverish and weak all day! I had a terrible sleep and when I did get to dreaming, I dreamt that I went batshit crazy and did weird things like breaking down doors and ripping things apart. All took place in the house on Green Leaf Place (that's where Mum and I first moved when we came to Nanaimo). Then I went on the run. Literally. I kinda love dreams where I have super strength and can make gigantic leaps without hurting myself, then run really fast for way longer than I can in real life. But then the cops were after me because I had ripped the house apart and I dunno, tried to kidnap someone or something? Can't remember that part. So I went on the lamb, was driving my car with much difficulty. And for some reason I had Zoe, Coco, and Roxie with me. Roxie was Helge's Doberman. She was put down years ago, but she was a very sweet dog and for some reason she was in the car with me. So yeah, now I've had a dream about being on the run from the cops. Now that I think about it more metaphorically, it's probably a good thing that I ripped the house apart and escaped so dramatically.

And now I have practically a normal amount of energy even though I'm still sick. I wish I worked today instead of last night. I'm ashamed at what a lame, boring person I am when I feel uncomfortable and tired. All I wanted last night was to be either asleep at home or back at the Nanaimo restaurant, because I miss knowing what to do and where everything is. Also, that restaurant is not secretly against all short people. Things are stored so high up here! I constantly feel like a tiny person at work, and I am not short by any stretch of the imagination. I was just too tired and sick last night to make any attempt at being social and I spent most of my shift silently doing stuff.