Tears stream down your face. I promise you I will learn from my mistakes.

You know, I think I'm fine. I think I'm fine for weeks, or even a couple months, and then I lose it. I am not fully functioning yet, and I wonder why. How did I get this messed up? How have I managed to ignore it for so long and not fix anything? I suppose it's good that I'm going through this right now, rather than a midlife crisis and before a dozen or more failed relationships, lost loves. But still, I feel lost. I need more security. I need to know that I have a reassuring male support. That's it. I hate to be cliched like this, but this is really the root of my lost-ness. I know I have wonderful, beautiful women who can support me and be there and have fun and all that other stuff that is super important. I know that, and I'm glad of it. I wouldn't be so happy if I didn't have that. But still, I have this great big strong wall all around me and I've forgotten how to take it down. And that hurts me. I need fixing. I hate that I can't do this on my own. I hate having to rely on other people. I am constantly fixing things, giving practical advice and that's the way I like it. But I can't fix myself. Why is that? Why can't I just heal my own self without any help? I'm terrified of being abandoned. They always leave. They don't follow through. They ignore. They cut me down for no other reason than their own insecurity. They don't listen. They're emotionally unavailable. Why? I know half the population can't be a total write-off. That's statistically impossible. I just want to not feel so lost.