And I know it's real slow, honey. Painful and real slow...

I just looked at my room and realized that I'm a bachelor. Realizations like that sound stupid because of their obviousness, but I still need to have them. There are clean clothes that I don't want to fold, there are clothes on the floor. There are a couple dishes around. There are a couple of weird posters for Shaun of the Dead and Army of Darkness. And I got to thinking, would I be any different as a guy? I don't think I would be a whole lot different, to tell the truth. I'd still get high. Maybe more often? I could be oblivious about girls instead of guys, I could still like cooking, I'd still have a messy room. Probably not a cat, though. No artificial flowers, that's for sure. Ok, no tarot cards and numerology. Star Trek figures, probably. Beer, yes. Small collection of booze, yes. Computer, stereo, tv, yes. I don't think a guy would have so many plants. I have a lot of plants. And I might not get the same thrill out of home things like dishes and bedsheets. I'd be missing out, really. Home furnishings are where it's at. And I think males are conditioned to hold back emotion (duh) so oh shit, I'd be a wall. Ha! It's a good thing I'm not a man, I'd have no chance at relationships. Unless I was lucky enough to have a girl melt me down.

I spent almost all day in pj's and only left the house at 7pm to go rent a couple movies and buy beer. That's probably what got me thinking about how small these ideas that separate us are. We're all just people. I like the thought that I wouldn't be so different with male bits instead. Maybe I'd work out if I were a guy. Just maybe, though. Abs are nice. I do miss it. It's a knee jerk reaction, turning myself off, withdrawing. Gotta work on that. You know it's not good when you're more of a prude than your mother. I'm still wondering how I started not allowing myself to be anything but a girl who's a friend. Every now and again I find a trigger, a tid bit of fear telling me to back down, go away, not try. WTF, BRAIN. You aren't helping me out of this, you want to stay the same. The same is boring. I choose change. In a little over a week, at least. Soon.