Sometimes I feel like I am dying down here. I feel a raging storm inside of my skin.

I am having trouble.

Too many hours of being shut down. A seven hour shift working alone in a kitchen full of people is more exhausting than it should be.

Silence takes over and I forget how to relate, how to get the words past my throat. How to look like I'm having a good time? I'm withdrawing and going down. And going broke, or at least to the point where I have to use a chunk of my savings. Fuck. I can't help wondering if this was such a good idea. I don't have a stockpile of sunny disposition to use during times like these. I just go dormant and silent.

Tonight was just hard. My lips are sealed and I'm worried about money and I sit alone. Constantly. Stress goes straight to my shoulders and they hurt.

I'm quietly angry. High school insecurities float up into the void provided by lack of speech. Fabulous.

And on the good days, it's hard to believe things get so bad. On the bad days, it's hard to get back to the good. I do like my alone time more than a lot of people, I'm sure. It's cool to do my own thing. But I'm overdosing on it now.

I need some goddamn affection. And not just once every two weeks.

It's fascinating watching a band that you've completely divorced yourself from giving a terrible concert. like, "did i really enjoy them? i did. huh. strange." I am so not there anymore. And that music is terrible!

I fucking hate essays.

If I were a month I would be: April

If I were a day of the week I would be: Wednesday

If I were a time of day I would be: 11pm

If I were a planet I would be: Mercury

If I were a sea animal I would be: a seahorse

If I were a piece of furniture I would be: a chaise lounge

If I were a sin I would be: sloth

If I were a historical figure I would be: ummm... Amelia Earhart?

If I were a liquid I would be: hot cocoa (duh)

If I were a tree I would be: a blue spruce

If I were a flower/plant I would be: variegated ivy

If I were a kind of weather I would be: windy and sunny, with a touch of rain

If I were a musical instrument I would be: an oboe

If I were an animal I would be: a cat

If I were a colour I would be: deep turquoise

If I were a vegetable I would be: romaine lettuce

If I were a sound I would be: purring

If I were an element I would be: wind

If I were a car I would be: a blue civic

If I were a song I would be: Passenger Seat by Death Cab

If I were a movie I would be directed by: that guy who directed Babel. He'd make me interesting.

If I were a book I would be written by: Phillip Pullman

If I were a food I would be: lasagne

If I were a place I would be: Neck Point Park

If I were a material I would be: suede

I were a taste I would be: bitter, probably. ok, maybe bittersweet.

If I were a scent I would be: magnolia

If I were a word I would be: wondering

If I were an object I would be: a worry ball

If I were a body part I would be: a forearm

If I were a facial expression I would be: one eyebrow raised

If I were a cartoon character I would be: Melissa from Home Movies

If I were a shape I would be a: a parallelogram

Wonder if I could stick around, feel the light of day

Everyone has a different perspective. Right.

I can't tell if my perspective on things is too tough. Like, am I too distant? I suppose that's a silly question. Everyone's different, right? I happen to need time to warm up. I need time to relax in the company of new people. I need my space.

Of course, I probably need less space. I have an abundance of space to myself at the moment, so it puts me off to have people around. I'm not the best socializer, which is good to be aware of. In retrospect I understand what I should have said, but I haven't gotten to the point of saying the right thing in the moment. Social skills, Tasia.

But no, I'm not going to change certain things. I am not going to start giving into people who are fishing for compliments. I'm not a super sensitive person. I admit that I don't understand a lot of human actions because I've never felt the need to act in certain ways. I feel confused when I think of the ease of social interactions that I see in other people. But ok, I'm different. I do tend to put myself on the outside. I tend to hold myself back. I'm uncomfortable being goofy most of the time. But there are moments in which I let go and get outside of myself. I just don't know how to increase them. Yet.

Omg, am I still growing up?? I'm searching for a sense of identity, a sense of myself, a sense of where I fit in. Yes, I am still trying to grow up. Cool. I have grown to be less uncomfortable with myself since early high school, but obviously I'm not done. Frickin relax and let yourself be, Tasia. Also stop talking about yourself in the third person. Starting now.

I'm definitely closely wrapped in a lot of ways, but I am less worried about many things that other people focus on. I like that. I like that I don't agonize about my grades anymore. I am still trying and doing all the work in school, but it's not the end of anything if I get a lower grade than I expect. I'm worried about career, but I have some ideas now. I don't care what people think of me, for the most part. Probably I should start caring more, thinking about how my actions affect others. Right now it seems like I have very little to no effect. I guess I'm not a ghost, after all. Which means that I can reach out and touch things. Now I just need to constantly remind myself of that fact.

Think I'll put you down for a little while...

I think I like drawing. this is the first time i've really tried to experiment and stuff with drawing. i'm doing it because i'm being forced to for class, but i guess it's actually good for me. drawing has always intimidated me a little because i don't have a natural talent for it at all. but i have been making progress just from doing it regularly, and that's pretty cool. shock and amazement, i like being creative and artistic!
congratulations to me for getting an education. yay!

Right now I do not like homework that requires me to go outside of my house. What I need to do is develop pictures for my design homework. I can't do the homework without the pictures. Boo. Also I have to find firewood so that I can make a fire and do the second part of my lighting design homework. Hmph.

Ok, now I'm going to burn a picture cd and I've been looking at all my old photos. Good times, good times. I miss them.

But darling I want the same thing that I wanted before.

This is a challenge already. I know it's bad, but it helps me be less bored. It's not an addiction but it is becoming a crutch. An anti-loneliness crutch.

Still, I'm coughing. So I'm doing the right thing for my lungs.

I had one beer and my entire face went red. Weird. My cheeks are still flushed. Am I becoming a lightweight?

Aimless, as usual. Perhaps an aim is solidifying in me. It's on hold till I finish this damn degree. Well, not on hold... waiting to come to fruition, let's say. Then if I still want it in a year or two, I must actually want to pursue it. I don't know. I don't have a good sense of myself from outside. When someone tells me "I could see you doing that," I don't see it. I wanna do mushrooms again, because that was the only time I could section reality and see myself clearly.

And on a completely different note, I hope I don't get breast cancer. I mean, I don't exactly get any USE out of them, but it would be a shame to lose them. Ok, now that I think about it, I'd rather lose my breasts than someone who uses them lose hers. At least I'd be the only one disappointed. I guess I get a little worried every time they get sore and I'm not sure if I would notice a lump if one appeared. Weird thing to worry about at this age, I suppose. That and the way one of my upper ribs sticks out a little bit in the middle and I have no idea why. Why is that bone not straight? It's strange.