If I come crawling home, will you be there?

I am taking 2 weeks with no weed. It will be a challenge to my willpower in a way a celibacy vow could never be. And thus it begins...

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Ugh. I hate sneezing and coughing at work and at school and not being able to breathe out of my nose. It's not fun, dammit! The 2 weeks off are hopefully going to be good for my health. Every since moving, I've been sick off and on and I'm going to put a stop to it.

I should really keep up more with my homework. Got a test coming up on Thursday... Should study. Yes. Good plan, Tasia. Also am 1000+ km overdue for an oil change. I'm sorry, car! Oh, daily life. You are full of strange things and errands. I am completely out of milk.

SOBER DAY 1!

He's a really nice guy and all, but I'm pretty sure he is a serial murderer.

I'm thinking about tattoos again. The idea of a little pattern of waves for my left hip interests me. Not entirely sure how I want it to be stylized, or where to go in this city. Hmmm... Good thing it's permanent: no pressure on getting it at any particular time.

Tonight I was silly and totally missed my stop. I was reading on the bus home and didn't look up until just before Camosun... Then I wasn't sure what to do, so I got off at UVic. Started walking home, thinking how ridiculous the situation was and hoping I didn't get lost on the way home. But I was lucky and a bus driver heading back to the garage stopped and asked me if I needed a ride! So I got home much easier than I expected, which was super cool. I thanked him several times.

Why is it that every time I choke these days I can't think of anything but Liz Lemon on 30 Rock and how Jack made her scared of dying alone in her apartment. It's funny because it's true.

Jack: Human contact is important, Lemon. I can tell from your stress level that you've not been touched in any way for quite some time. Not caressed. Not massaged. Not even groped on the subway. Do you agree that you need someone in your life, Lemon?

Liz Lemon: No. I have bigger things to worry about than my personal life.

Jack: I would think that the single woman's biggest worry would be choking to death in her apartment.

Dance! Boogie Wonderland!

So I was at work tonight (in dish... the dishes never end!) and I was just doing my thing, cleaning some stuff and I had a thought that went, "I just don't like boys that much." And then I was like "Oh no, Tasia. This is like the first step towards saying you like girls now." And then I thought of that scene in The 40 Year Old Virgin that goes "You know how I know you're gay? Because you just said you've stopped having sex with women." And I chuckled to myself. Silently, in my head. So that no one was creeped out or asked me what I was laughing at.

So I don't think I am actually a lesbian, but just in case I turn out to be down the line, here's where it started. I like looking at them. There are many pretty male faces around school, town, etc. I just... all I can think of when I think of boys is "*SIGH* so much trouble, thinking about effort makes me tired". And that's the feeling behind my great spans of abstinence. Just in case you're bored and need something to read in this moment. Hope that did the trick.

I had Boogie Wonderland stuck in my head for a while during my shift. The Happy Feet version. It was quite enjoyable.


I actually am tired though. My feet hurt. I think I'm even too tired to smoke a bowl. Wow.

Pff, who am I kidding. I'm just too tired to go outside for it. I don't like going to bed right after getting off work, and the only thing on is music videos. Might as well enjoy them in an altered way that will make me sleepy rather than just sore.

A centerpiece idea? ... Just in time for Thanksgiving.

I have to say, I am thankful for this. It has reduced me almost to tears of laughter, and I haven't even watched the entire clip.

http://www.avclub.com/content/hater/this_thanksgiving_make_a_lovely

WTF?!? HILARIOUS.

I vow to never do this to my babies, if in fact I have them.

I think perhaps the lemon meringue baby is my favourite. It's very hard to pick just one.

She's in it for the money, you know love don't mean a thing.

It is entirely possible that I will always return to Matt Good. His suffering is potent. He's one of many artists that I want to reach out and give a hug. Darling, you're perpetuating your own pain. Let it go. Kiss it goodbye and blink it away; it's not doing you any favours.

I am gradually learning to resist being argumentative. I say gradually because I still get caught up in argument, such as last night. I need to leave things as they are more often. I know that nothing created out of pure selfless motivation will cause further suffering, just as what is produced from selfish motivations will create suffering. I should have stepped out of the discussion much earlier because it became more about ego and being right than it should have been. Next time. Letting go of the need to constantly be right is a challenge for me, that's for sure. But you can't change anyone's mind for them, just as you can't make them treat you any particular way. You can cultivate your own energy and give it to the world, which will result in positive impact. You can flow with things instead of struggling in the current of life, which will result in things being provided for you instead of you fighting for everything and causing stress and conflict and hurt. Ultimately, we're all here to live. It's that simple.

I need to read the Bible. I have no plans of becoming Christian, but I do want to integrate Jesus' teachings. I believe people are cultured to be ignorant. I also believe we aren't evil by nature. Nurturing is one of the most base instincts we have, but we're so distracted that we've forgotten. We think we're all here to battle for existence and one-up each other and look at what that's done to us and the planet! Are we happy, on the whole? No. There's something decaying at the core of our system and I think it would be amazing if I were alive to see it fall apart and give way to a better way of living. Perhaps this economic crisis is a start. Guess it's too early to tell. We are rather ingrained in our crazy capitalist beliefs. That's the only way of putting it: we're all insane. It's like we've been locked in a large room and we've been shitting all over it, chewing at our own flesh, and taping up our eyes to avoid seeing the mess. These are not the actions of a sane mind. Being miserable is not progress, but hopefully it makes one want to get to another state of being. Sure is working for me!

Oh yeah, and I want to do mushrooms again. And save up to buy a working ipod. Mine has decided to not move beyond the unhappy crossed-out eyes cartoon. I miss having so much music so accessible. It truly is a wonderful thing. I just love art. My definition of art is something that expresses life. Soaring architecture, paintings that capture the essence of the subject, songs that bring you out of your head so you can just be in the music... I don't count stuff like that giant red canvas. Congratulations, you painted red! That may invoke a reaction in critics but it doesn't capture anything about life that I can think of and I won't regard it as art.

My house gets quite cold these days. Brr.

I'm my own stone around my neck

Ahhh it's been so long. It will go on. It will pass. Nothing's permanent. Comforting, really.

I don't think I have it in me to subscribe to a religion. I can't bring myself to believe in salvation to come in this life, nor many hells in which endless suffering takes place. This is enough for me. No Buddhism. That's not to say that I won't do my best to be happier and help other people out. I will try my best to treat people well and avoid negative thinking and cruelty. I think there will be space for meditation. And compassion. More compassion is necessary. More love, less attachment, less pain. Ok, maybe a little bit of prayer. It's intention, which I do believe in. That's enough.

I'd like to find someone I want to be with. Or several someones over my lifetime. I hate to admit that I need the help.

I'd like to be kissed again. That might be nice. I don't get enough human touch. I miss it. I miss it.

I should give in to passions, I suppose. I have plenty more of myself to break down first. I hope the loneliness is helping. It certainly seems to be, at times.

I would also like to continue with French. I think I shall.

I would like something to do that's beautiful and helpful. Career-wise.

I need a path.

I need more hugs.

Something became clear to me today in class. Either some passion catches me and ties me down, or I'll leave. There are so few things holding me here. So if a big thing happens to cement me, I'll give up the existensialist thoughts and worries and just be as close to normal as I can. But if nothing like that happens by the time I'm finished this degree, I'm gone. I'm already drifting away as it is; I can't and I won't keep this up for decades.