Look right through me, walk right by me. Mister Cellophane

It amazes me how many moods I can go through in one day, in one week, even in one hour. I'll have a terrible day or a terrible hour and then come back up out of it and feel normal again. This is what has kept me from seeking help. I realize that other people don't cry for no reason, don't have panic attacks in Chemistry 11, don't feel empty and bleak and without will for hours. But because I come out of it shortly after each episode, I have fooled myself into thinking I don't have a problem. Also, it's gone on for so long that I guess I've just gotten used to it. Like, what? I could be happy all the time, or the majority of the time? I could have goals and have fun and actually feel inclined to create and clean and dance and love?

Oh.
I wasn't aware I was doing things wrong. I wasn't aware that feeling helpless and removed for years had damaged me so much. I guess I'm not as strong as I wanted to be as a child and a teenager. The hardest thing for me to admit is that the actions of others are capable of hurting me, and I am not invisible.

I went out to dinner spur of the moment with Tina and three of her friends. After dinner, Tina took us on a tour around Victoria. Very informative, though it was dark so I couldn't see everything. I had fun. And a meal without onions or garlic or meat, without feeling like I was missing any of it. Pretty cool.

I need to learn how to be attached. In more ways than one.