Hmmmmmm.
This is another turning point. I am glad of this. I found another nugget of strength. I found that I'm willing to take a bit of a risk now, and that is a really excellent thing. I've been afraid for a long time, it's true. But I don't believe fear is a good enough reason to run away from every small possibility. I'm just disappointed because I haven't found someone willing to risk just a bit for me. Fuck it, I'm worth that. I'm worth a bit of time. I'm not one to flip out irrationally. I like to joke and bicker for fun. I like caring about people. I like being intimate. Not to the point that I want a 24-7, clingy, never-leaving-my-side boyfriend. That is the last thing I want. It's not healthy. I just want enough of a bond to let myself relax and feel comfortable trusting the other person. I want to feel honest about it. I want to experiment in bed with someone I fully trust. I want to make someone feel special. I want to be recognized as special. I don't want to be played, because I am not a player. I want fairness. I want to still have my friend time, my alone time, my individuality. I want just the next step to what I've had before. I want to test it out, see if I like it, see if it works. I realize that nothing is perfect, that most relationships are doomed to end. But so what? No risk, no gain. If we didn't risk loving our friends, our souls would be in a sad state indeed. I'm really not too scared anymore. I might want something to hold me through till I find someone willing to try going where I want, but then again, maybe I'll just wait.
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